Let me tell you about a previous time in my life, specifically high school. Whether it was a true inner-drive, or pressure to "be something," I took on every possible activity and job that I could. I dove head first into almost every extra-curricular that our tiny school offered. I worked as many hours as I could at our local swimming pool. I worked hard on my schoolwork. I did whatever I possibly could do to be busy, and stay busy. Moving on to college- I tried my best to graduate as quickly as possible. I got a job and worked as often as possible. I did my best to get promoted. I succeeded. Then, I graduated. In the time between graduating college and getting married, I worked two jobs. After getting married and moving, I tried to get a job as soon as possible, and when I did, it felt good.
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Looking back, being busy is what had defined me. I know that I thirsted for the satisfaction that it felt to work hard and have someone notice. I was motivated by chasing an intimidating schedule- one that looked "impressive." Being busy had always left me feeling fulfilled (either that or it left no time for me to feel unfulfilled). Regardless, I think I was pretty darn happy filling my life with what felt like meaningful activities.
Then, we moved to Virginia. I applied to about 30 jobs and didn't even hear my phone ring for an interview
once. I got a few emails back, sure, but only to tell me that I was either under-qualified (because I didn't have enough experience) or overqualified (because of my Bachelor's degree). I was told I wasn't wanted if I wasn't going to be around very long. I was told my resume looked weak because of all of the moving around. I quickly learned that finding a job as a military-spouse is not easy (but that's a whole other topic for another time).
Pretty soon two months had passed. I was still sitting at home filling out endless job applications and feeling so very unimpressive. You see, in the past, I took a lot of pride in working. I got a job as soon as I was old enough to. I worked seven jobs after that and loved every one of them. Working made me feel...like what I did mattered somehow.
I had people tell me how lucky I was - I got to move across the country with my husband and was able to stay at home and not work, which should have been awesome, right?? It certainly didn't feel that way to me. Sure, I kept busy with other tasks - like keeping a spotless apartment (you should have seen our ceiling fan blades), keeping the husband fed (no easy task), grocery shopping, and running errands. But to me, I just felt guilty. I felt guilty for having free time. I felt guilty for not having a super busy schedule. I felt
guilty for not working. I felt guilty for not doing, becoming, or being. My schedule (or lack of it) was suddenly daunting and intimidating. I had a blank page before me and I hated it. I became very self-conscious and dreaded the question, "What do you do?" I found it was very easy to feel unaccomplished when, by my own former definitions, I was not doing anything
significant.
In a time that I should have been fully enjoying, I spent more time feeling sorry for myself than I ever should have. As the months went by, I came to a very, very low point. It was at that point that I decided I wanted to turn things around and I'm still working on doing that.
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I tried to write this post so many times and gave up in the process. I typed so many paragraphs and deleted them. I worried about sounding whiny, or like I didn't try hard enough. But I wanted to write it anyways, because I'm hoping there's someone else out there that has felt or feels the same way. I realize that every is different- so maybe you are someone who should be career-focused. That's okay, but that's not me.
Oh man, it hasn't been easy. I have years of skewed thinking that I have to erase and rewrite. The way that I allowed myself to be wired, has to be untangled and rewired. It's a work in progress, but I'm getting there. Here's what I've been trying to focus on.
1. Devoting myself fully to what I can do and what this season offers. Instead of letting myself feel guilty and unfulfilled, I've been working to let myself live fully in this season. I've pulled out my long-time favorite verse,
Ecclesiastes 3:1 - There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens and tried to focus on it. Maybe, this season in my life is not to work in the way that I have in the past, but instead to work towards providing a comfortable, and welcoming home for our little family. Maybe it's time to work towards developing new skills and hobbies that I never made time for before. Maybe it's time to relearn what it means to be fulfilled. Maybe it's time to learn to be disciplined in other ways.
2. Eliminating guilt and accepting joy. I'm trying to remind myself that cooking, and cleaning, and running errands
is rewarding work. Sure, I have more free time in my life than I've had in as long as I can remember, but that is not a bad thing. It is a blessing - one to fully embrace. Feeling guilty for getting to do enjoyable activities is not a healthy mindset to have. Instead, I'm learning to let myself slow-down, discover, enjoy, and embrace. I'm learning to have a healthy balance in my life, and it's wonderful.
3. Re-evaluating my priorities and interests. In past years, I was very career focused. I went to college with one career in mind and thought that's where my future would reside. Well, I ended up getting an undergrad degree that I can't do anything with unless I go to grad school, and in the meantime, I decided that career was not where I saw myself. Through this journey of unemployment, I've realized that a career does not define me, and I don't want it to. I do not want a career that consumes me as much as that one would have. I want to be more focused on how I live my life and serve my family. If that means taking a job I normally wouldn't, or not having a job at all, that's okay. Seasons will change, and I want to be flexible and available to embrace them.
4. Adjusting. I've discovered that I can't just waste time because I don't have a job, but instead I should use that time wisely. At first, it was easy to let the days go by quickly, without accomplishing anything. I was so used to being so busy that I didn't know how to fill up the blank space on my schedule. I had to learn that planning was my best friend, and even if it seemed silly to write "clean the burners" on my schedule, I got things done and felt good about them. Now, I'm trying to use my extra free time to take classes for a career that fits my desires better. I recently began volunteering for an organization I really appreciate. I've taken on projects at home that normally would be on the "If I Had Time List". I know I will have to adjust as the seasons change, and I'm okay with that.
Yes, I want to go back to work someday. Maybe even in the not so distant future. I know it'll be a challenge to get back to work, but for now, I'm working hard in other ways that
are fulfilling and rewarding. I am not wasting my time, and I am not allowing myself to feel guilty.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 - There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.
Titus 2:4-5 - ..urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind...
Colossians 3:23 - Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for man.
I just got home from dropping a friend off at the airport an hour ago. Keagan and I quickly tried out Zulu's new leash that came in the mail and then I sat down with a cup of Chai to catch up on my routine. It's embarrassing when I think about just how much I rely on routine in my life. The past couple weeks have been busy. I had schedule bubbling to the brim two weeks ago and then enjoyed the past week catching up with a faithful hometown friend and showing her my new home state. During those weeks, I was able to toss my routine out the window a bit and focus on the things that life was passing out so generously. How strange it is, though, that the minute things calm down, I'm willingly going back to the routine like I can't live without it.
