Thoughts on Moving

On June 30th, I sat on the floor of our Florida apartment with a very unhappy dog as we watched two men pack up most of our belongings. This was the first move we didn't do by ourselves and let me tell you, it felt so weird watching other people pack all of our stuff. I felt so lazy, but was not allowed to touch a thing.

This move was very different from the other military moves we have been through. This time, I spent a few days separating our belongings into two groups. 

1. The stuff we would be taking to our furnished apartment in Oklahoma for five months

2. The stuff we would let packers pack and store in California for five months

I was grossly overconfident that I could handle this task no problem. You see, when you are moving to a new state for the third time in fourteen months, you feel pretty confident about the process. Confidence in and of itself, is not a bad thing, but I apparently forgot that I am not a professional...yet. And real life doesn't always cooperate with your perfect plan.

My thoughts were this: Packing and fitting everything we need for five months into two cars won't be that hard! My siblings will visit and leave on Friday morning and I will sort, paint, clean and be ready by Monday! 

Reality was: Deciding what to bring and what to pack is a lot harder than one would think. Even when you are really selective, two cars do not have as much space as you think they do. By the way, someone pulled an illegal move, causing your husband to get in a car accident and total the more reliable of your two cars three days before moving day. So yeah...you are going to have to get a rental car. Oh, and all that time you thought you had? Not so much.

I panicked a little. But guess what? We got everything in my little Grand Prix and the rental SUV without having to throw away the vacuum cleaner or a box of my beloved J.R. Watkins. Keagan is a miracle worker.

We left Monday night and arrived Tuesday afternoon in Oklahoma and followed our arrival tradition of getting all the boxes inside our new place and ordering pizza. 

We crawled into bed that night pretty exhausted from all of the craziness of dealing with moving and the accident, only to find that Keagan was too long for the bed that came with our apartment, the fan in our room constantly clicked, Zulu was very upset with us for not letting her sleep in the bed (this move was hard on her), and a loud thunderstorm was raging outside. I did not sleep a wink. 

My emotions were pretty spent at this point. Leaving Florida and the good experiences and friends we had was not very easy, especially knowing we would just be going to another temporary place. So much had happened in just five days and we were in such a time crunch that I had no time to process it. It was adjustment time. And guess what? This time, it didn't take long. 

That's the funny thing. Each time, it gets a little easier to move. And each time something challenging happens, it is a little easier to handle. Abnormal has begun to feel so normal for us, and I really, really like that. I am grateful for the experiences that we now have under our belts, and the character we have started to build thanks to the challenges that are thrown our way.

The truth of life is that difficult things are going to happen, but most of the time, we can handle them just fine. Now that we are on the other side, it all seems so trivial. 

Three weeks later, our new apartment feels like home. Keagan has started Artillery school and I am trying to work online as close to full time as I can. We are still dealing with insurance, but you know what...that's life, and I am very thankful for it.

Booking It - Round 2

 You guys, I am way overdue to tell you about what I've been reading lately. Let's get to it. See Round 1 here.

Tuesdays with Morrie- Mitch Albom Oh my. What a book. Tuesdays with Morrie tells the story of a student and a college professor. In college, Mitch, the student, often visited with his professor, Morrie. After graduation, he promised to keep in touch, but sadly did not. When Mitch learns that his professor is slowly passing away, he makes a point to visit Morrie once again. One visit turns into weekly visits and Morrie gives his student one last class - How to Live. This is not a book to read while also catching bits and pieces of the Olympics (I tried). This is not a book to read in short chunks here and there. This is not a book to read every night before bed. This is not a book to read while being distracted by anyone. This is a book to read, preferably in two long sittings, with no distractions, while soaking in every word. The story line itself is wonderful enough, but the way that Albom writes is incredible. It's some of the most beautiful writing I have ever read. Everyone needs to read this book...and take notes. Just talking about it makes me want to read it again.

Some of my favorite quotes:

"The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. You have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it."

"You have to find what's good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now. Looking back makes you competitive. And age is not a competitive issue."

"If you're trying to show off for people at the top, forget it. They will look down at you anyhow. And if you're trying to show off for people at the bottom, forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone."

Wild - Cheryl Strayed I'm sure most of you have at least heard of this book, so I won't tell you too much about it. It's a great read, though. I was on the waiting list at the library forever and when I finally got my hands on this, they gave me the large print edition of course. :) Cheryl's story is incredible. I had a very hard time putting the book down at the end of each night. There were some parts of the book I could have done without, but overall I appreciated her honest, detailed account of her journey to come to peace with her life. It almost made me want to go buy a pair of hiking boots - well...almost.

The Book Thief - Markus Zusak I had heard so many good things about this book, but apparently it just wasn't the right time for me to read it. Reading this book got me in a bit of a reading rut. I picked it up, started reading, and had to try really hard to keep going. I kept pushing myself to try to continue, because like I said, I had heard so many good things about it! I tried for a couple weeks and just couldn't get into it. I'm not sure why. The writing was wonderful, so maybe I'll give it another shot at another time.






The Lord of Opium - Nancy Farmer This is the sequel to a book I mentioned last time, The House of the Scorpion. I really enjoyed the continuing story of Matt and his quest to make his country a better place. Again, he was faced with ethical battles and gained a new challenge - rebuilding the way an entire civilization has operated for many years. It was a little slower read than the first book, but was also different enough to keep me interested. I'm really hoping she turns this into a trilogy!

Fearless - Eric Blehm This book tells the story of Navy SEAL Adam Brown. Brown was part of SEAL team SIX - the well-known unit that took down Osama bin Laden, but this book goes so much deeper into the life of a true hero. It tells the story of a man who was always adventurous and brave, from the day he was born. After high school, he got caught up in drugs and his life began to look hopeless. This tribute to Adam tells the story of the true darkness his addiction caused, the struggle to overcome, and a new focused life after he committed his life to Christ and joined the Navy. Adam was an unlikely candidate for the SEALs, but his incredible courage helped him overcome many weaknesses. In 2010, Adam died overseas, but he was ready. He was never afraid to step in front of danger to protect others and knew that no matter what happened on this Earth, nothing could take away his Spirit. He left behind an incredible legacy for his wife, children, and many others to be encouraged by.

Hello!

Okay, so I am way overdue for a blog post, but before I go and make up a whole bunch of excuses, I'll just be genuinely honest - I'm terrible at keeping up a blog. Tonight, though, I thought I'd drop in. Yes, I am still alive. No, my life is not exciting enough to keep you reading several posts a week. But hey, I'm drinking raspberry tea in celebration of spring-that's-almost-summer (even though it's pretty much the exact same thing as winter down here in Florida) and somehow it gave me the tiniest jolt of motivation.

Things have been good here in Florida since I last posted something of substance. We've had a lot of rain lately, but the temperature has been consistently just-about-perfect. We're trying to enjoy the weather, and the fact that we don't need air conditioning or heat, before the hot, humid summer works its way into our lives again.

Keagan finished Introductory Flight School (IFS), which ended in a solo flight. It was awesome for him to get back in the air again. Now, he is in the midst of Advanced Preflight Indoctrination (API), studying like crazy. He does get a little more down time than he did in Virginia, but he is still working very hard and I am very proud.

I've been volunteering at the Navy-Marine Corps Relief Society a few days a week and love every day of it. I finished my Bookkeeping and Administrative Assistant classes last week, and will take a certification exam next week. I've also had a whole bunch of job interviews...but I don't really want to go down that road right now. :)

We've both been enjoying a good amount of time together and also enjoy getting more involved with our Lifegroup at church (making new friends!).

Zulu suddenly decided that she likes learning (but most likely just the new treats we got her...) and has learned a bunch of new tricks. She also has become a lot more enjoyable to walk, thanks to our new walking collar. Seriously. It's the best puppy investment so far.

Our friend Petra came down from Minnesota to visit us for a week. We loved having company (and a guest room!) and enjoyed visiting the Pensacola lighthouse, Fort Pickens, a few different beaches, eating fish, and lots of catching up. If only we could keep her here... :)

I had a birthday, and enjoyed sweet messages, as well as some thoughtful gifts. Birthdays are okay sometimes. I treated myself, and bought a keyboard. Of course I had to let my mom know right away so she could send me my favorite piano books in the mail. Moms truly are the best.

Oh, and we are still talking about the HIMYM finale at least twice a week....

:) Happy Weekend!!

Routine

I just got home from dropping a friend off at the airport an hour ago. Keagan and I quickly tried out Zulu's new leash that came in the mail and then I sat down with a cup of Chai to catch up on my routine. It's embarrassing when I think about just how much I rely on routine in my life. The past couple weeks have been busy. I had schedule bubbling to the brim two weeks ago and then enjoyed the past week catching up with a faithful hometown friend and showing her my new home state. During those weeks, I was able to toss my routine out the window a bit and focus on the things that life was passing out so generously. How strange it is, though, that the minute things calm down, I'm willingly going back to the routine like I can't live without it.

It's a struggle for me, it really is. I get so deeply acquainted with my habits - the ones that I think keep me stable - but really they just tie me down to a boring safety. Yes, routine can be good, but it can also be suffocating for a mind that is trying to stay open and creative. Am I really living when I sit down at the same time each day to do the same tasks I do every week? I don't think so. Is it important to get work done? Yes. But is it necessary to hold to the routine of getting work done so tightly that I can't allow a little spontaneity to seep in and keep me fresh? Life is more exciting and I'm more available to others when life's not scripted and I'm trying to remember that.

So tonight, I'm going to sit with my Chai and blog a short post instead of catching up on emails. Then, I'm not going to do anything that I planned. Selfish? I don't know. But tonight, I don't want to be friends with routine.

Not Working.

Let me tell you about a previous time in my life, specifically high school. Whether it was a true inner-drive, or pressure to "be something," I took on every possible activity and job that I could. I dove head first into almost every extra-curricular that our tiny school offered. I worked as many hours as I could at our local swimming pool. I worked hard on my schoolwork. I did whatever I possibly could do to be busy, and stay busy. Moving on to college- I tried my best to graduate as quickly as possible. I got a job and worked as often as possible. I did my best to get promoted. I succeeded. Then, I graduated. In the time between graduating college and getting married, I worked two jobs. After getting married and moving, I tried to get a job as soon as possible, and when I did, it felt good.

~~~

Looking back, being busy is what had defined me. I know that I thirsted for the satisfaction that it felt to work hard and have someone notice. I was motivated by chasing an intimidating schedule- one that looked "impressive." Being busy had always left me feeling fulfilled (either that or it left no time for me to feel unfulfilled). Regardless, I think I was pretty darn happy filling my life with what felt like meaningful activities.

Then, we moved to Virginia. I applied to about 30 jobs and didn't even hear my phone ring for an interview once. I got a few emails back, sure, but only to tell me that I was either under-qualified (because I didn't have enough experience) or overqualified (because of my Bachelor's degree). I was told I wasn't wanted if I wasn't going to be around very long. I was told my resume looked weak because of all of the moving around. I quickly learned that finding a job as a military-spouse is not easy (but that's a whole other topic for another time).

Pretty soon two months had passed. I was still sitting at home filling out endless job applications and feeling so very unimpressive. You see, in the past, I took a lot of pride in working. I got a job as soon as I was old enough to. I worked seven jobs after that and loved every one of them. Working made me feel...like what I did mattered somehow.

I had people tell me how lucky I was - I got to move across the country with my husband and was able to stay at home and not work, which should have been awesome, right?? It certainly didn't feel that way to me. Sure, I kept busy with other tasks - like keeping a spotless apartment (you should have seen our ceiling fan blades), keeping the husband fed (no easy task), grocery shopping, and running errands. But to me, I just felt guilty. I felt guilty for having free time. I felt guilty for not having a super busy schedule. I felt guilty for not working. I felt guilty for not doing, becoming, or being. My schedule (or lack of it) was suddenly daunting and intimidating. I had a blank page before me and I hated it. I became very self-conscious and dreaded the question, "What do you do?" I found it was very easy to feel unaccomplished when, by my own former definitions, I was not doing anything significant.

In a time that I should have been fully enjoying, I spent more time feeling sorry for myself than I ever should have. As the months went by, I came to a very, very low point. It was at that point that I decided I wanted to turn things around and I'm still working on doing that.

~~~

I tried to write this post so many times and gave up in the process. I typed so many paragraphs and deleted them. I worried about sounding whiny, or like I didn't try hard enough. But I wanted to write it anyways, because I'm hoping there's someone else out there that has felt or feels the same way. I realize that every is different- so maybe you are someone who should be career-focused. That's okay, but that's not me.

Oh man, it hasn't been easy. I have years of skewed thinking that I have to erase and rewrite. The way that I allowed myself to be wired, has to be untangled and rewired. It's a work in progress, but I'm getting there. Here's what I've been trying to focus on.

1. Devoting myself fully to what I can do and what this season offers. Instead of letting myself feel guilty and unfulfilled, I've been working to let myself live fully in this season. I've pulled out my long-time favorite verse, Ecclesiastes 3:1 - There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens and tried to focus on it. Maybe, this season in my life is not to work in the way that I have in the past, but instead to work towards providing a comfortable, and welcoming home for our little family. Maybe it's time to work towards developing new skills and hobbies that I never made time for before. Maybe it's time to relearn what it means to be fulfilled. Maybe it's time to learn to be disciplined in other ways.

2. Eliminating guilt and accepting joy. I'm trying to remind myself that cooking, and cleaning, and running errands is rewarding work. Sure, I have more free time in my life than I've had in as long as I can remember, but that is not a bad thing. It is a blessing - one to fully embrace. Feeling guilty for getting to do enjoyable activities is not a healthy mindset to have. Instead, I'm learning to let myself slow-down, discover, enjoy, and embrace. I'm learning to have a healthy balance in my life, and it's wonderful.

3. Re-evaluating my priorities and interests. In past years, I was very career focused. I went to college with one career in mind and thought that's where my future would reside. Well, I ended up getting an undergrad degree that I can't do anything with unless I go to grad school, and in the meantime, I decided that career was not where I saw myself. Through this journey of unemployment, I've realized that a career does not define me, and I don't want it to. I do not want a career that consumes me as much as that one would have. I want to be more focused on how I live my life and serve my family. If that means taking a job I normally wouldn't, or not having a job at all, that's okay. Seasons will change, and I want to be flexible and available to embrace them.

4. Adjusting. I've discovered that I can't just waste time because I don't have a job, but instead I should use that time wisely. At first, it was easy to let the days go by quickly, without accomplishing anything. I was so used to being so busy that I didn't know how to fill up the blank space on my schedule. I had to learn that planning was my best friend, and even if it seemed silly to write "clean the burners" on my schedule, I got things done and felt good about them. Now, I'm trying to use my extra free time to take classes for a career that fits my desires better. I recently began volunteering for an organization I really appreciate. I've taken on projects at home that normally would be on the "If I Had Time List". I know I will have to adjust as the seasons change, and I'm okay with that.

Yes, I want to go back to work someday. Maybe even in the not so distant future. I know it'll be a challenge to get back to work, but for now, I'm working hard in other ways that are fulfilling and rewarding. I am not wasting my time, and I am not allowing myself to feel guilty.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 - There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.
Titus 2:4-5 - ..urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind...
Colossians 3:23 - Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for man.

Flori-bama

Sometimes I forget that we live in Florida, because it doesn't always look or feel like it. Pensacola is a far cry from Orlando or Miami, and we're reminded constantly that even though we're in Florida, we're basically Alabama. But lately, the weather here has reminded me that we are, indeed, in Florida. It has been absolutely dreamy, like - leave the patio door open all day, dreamy. I'm loving how our electric bill is going to look already. I'm going for longer and more leisurely walks and embracing the fact I can wear jeans or shorts, whatever I feel like. I'm so satisfied with the fact that we've had thunderstorms lately- they feel like home.

Since I've written, life has been good. It's been comfortable. It's been peaceful. I've felt spoiled. But, it's also been hard. For some reason, my energy and motivation have just been pulled from my body and every day I have to focus harder on my attitude. So, I'm sorry that I haven't written much, but I'm trying to get my balance back. I've been flipping through my 50 Promises memory verse cards (designed by my inspiring friend, Summer). They have reminded me over and over again where true joy and security is found and helped redirect me to a better attitude.

After three cancelled flights, Keagan finally (literally two minutes ago) finished his first flight at IFS! Oh, man. He isn't even home yet, but I'm excited to hopefully see him excited. We have been waiting awhile for this. He has passed through the drudgery of the "book" portion of IFS and now has 15 hours of flight to complete. Then, hopefully they'll be able to have him start Stage 2 of 3 here in Pensacola: API. Oh, and he made us the most delicious meal on Valentine's Day. I would take that over chocolates and flowers any day.

Volunteering has been going so well. I really appreciate the people that I work with and found an unexpected friend. It's so nice to work with people who have gone through the military life and can offer advice and encouragement. I'm really appreciating this opportunity and hope that it will help me gain good experience for the daunting job search.

The last couple days of February and dwindling down and I can't believe it. We've been here almost three months and the time is going so much faster than it did for us in Virginia.

To all of my friends and family back home - stay warm...or come visit. :)

Writing in Order to Function.

There are times where I simply can't function properly until I sit down and write. And a lot of the times, it's not even anything important, or the tiniest bit interesting. So, most of the time I don't publish the nonsense that passes from my brain, to the tips of my fingertips, typing away at my little black laptop. But somehow, it feels good to write. Just to get thoughts from point A to point B. Just recording a little bit of normalcy onto a blank slate.

I don't know why; I just do it, because once I do it, then I can move on to sorting the papers piling up in the office, mailing our tax forms, working on my classes, and vacuuming the rugs. Note: I cannot spell vacuum right...like ever.

~~~

I'm almost always cold. Even when our apartment is 72°, without the heat on, or the air conditioning on. I'm still cold. So, on go the cheetah print slippers and the blue fuzzy robe.

~~~

I went to get groceries today. I tend to put off this task, until I can't anymore. Then, the day that I have to go is of course the drizzliest, grayest, coldest, grossest, day. It really never fails. It may seem strange (and a little bit invasive), but I love looking at what other people put in their shopping carts. Something about seeing the food items they select, gives me a little inspiration. I try to guess what they're making that week. I try to guess if they have kids at home or not. I get ideas for what I should make next week. I see an item I sort of forgot existed, and then I get really excited about Zucchini again.

~~

Ah, now that I've jotted a few thoughts down, I feel like I can vacuum. (I spelled it right the first time, this time). See, not important. Not the tiniest bit interesting. But it's done.