A Short Note

It's been a little while since I've said hello to this little space. My thoughts have kind of been jumping to and fro, but never really wanting to settle on the page- or should I say, keyboard.

My heart has been a little heavy since hearing some news on Tuesday. News that a man not much older than I, passed away suddenly on Tuesday. I didn't know him personally, but I have friends who did, and I knew a little about him. Wow. If there's ever been anyone that I'm 100% is in Heaven right now? It's him. His Facebook page is completely flooded with incredible messages on how he touched the lives of others. Completely flooded. And honestly, I can't speak for those closer to him, but that has to ease the sting a little bit. This man lived such a good life, and even though there will be pain of missing him, he was who we all ought to be like.

It's really made me think about what I would leave behind if I didn't make it to tomorrow. Would there be a hint of joy in the hearts of those around me? Would there be wonder as to who I really was? I hope to continue my journey to whoever the Lord wants me to become.

For those of you who are faithful prayer warriors- pray for those touched by this situation. This man was a leader for a campus ministry at the college I went to. I know there are many college students who are hurting, rejoicing, questioning, and looking to God. I'm thankful for the influence of a life of someone who never knew me.

My thoughts are not complete. My answers are not firm, but God is God and I am not. And I know that God is faithful.

Imaginationing

Sometimes, I stumble upon the realization that I no longer have much of an imagination.Practicality and reality have caught up with me.Then again, when I think back to what I imagined as a child- it was never strange creatures, or magical experiences, or even anything out of the ordinary. I imagined very real-life situations- like being a figure skater while dressing up and gliding on our blue carpet, or being an Indian, living off of whatever existed in the woods behind my house. I always imagined myself as some kind of made up person, and almost everything that I did accompanied a narrative flowing through my head.

While I was running through the woods with my father, I was actually in an Olympic race and the newscasters were telling my story as they watched me run, and try to win.

As I did the laundry, I pretended I was in a contest- yes, a laundry contest. I tried to pull the wet clothes out of the washer and transfer them to the dryer in as few hand fulls as possible. As I folded the clothes, everything had to line up perfectly and I had to smooth out every surface. I wanted to win this thing!

While I played Carmen Sandiego on our turquoise iMac, I imagined myself as a real-life detective, trying to find her.

As I rode my bike in laps around the church next door, I was in one of the biggest bike races that ever existed- and I was the youngest bike-racer to ever win the world title.

The wild stories that I wrote in elementary school? Yeah...they were about a girl who was really good at absolutely everything she ever did.

I guess you could say my imagination was still working...somewhat. It was a stretch to ever think I could be a famous athlete (I mean, really, I'm about as coordinated as an ostrich trying to walk a tightrope), or go back in time to be an Indian. But doing laundry and being good at everything? That's just weird. Apparently, real-life was just more appealing to me, and maybe it still is.

I find myself doing things like looking up recipes and cleaning the house...for fun. The simplicity, the purposeful acts, the practicality- that's kind of what I've grown accustomed to. Oh dear, I sure hope I'm not really as boring as I sound.

Maybe I need to pursue wild imagination a little more. Maybe I need to open up my creativeness a bit more. Or maybe, I'll just continue to sit and be surrounded by precisely what life really is. I think I'm okay with that, but am I missing out?

Maybe I'm being too harsh on myself. They say you are the one who knows yourself the best, but they also say you are your harshest critic. Someone please tell me if I'm as crazy as I seem...

(continuing to ponder these thoughts as I walk over to win the dish-washing contest)

-Hannah

On My Thoughts and a Poem

Lately, I have been thinking about faith. I have been thinking about having faith like a child- how simple things can be- instead of how difficult that we make them. I have been thinking about how much more joy comes when we simply believe, instead of analyzing and discussing and arguing beyond the simple words we are given. I have been thinking about what it means to share our faith- how debating and spouting out our views never does anything. How it is hard to tell someone why you so desperately want them to believe, even if you have the best of intentions. How a desire to show love can be mistakenly seen as ridicule and hatred.

But maybe it's not about telling. Maybe it's not about seeing something disagreeable and responding with the way that you feel. Maybe it's about living, being, and doing.

Maybe it's about this...

On Thy Wondrous Works I Will Meditate (Psalm 145)
v.7
-Mary Oliver-

I know a man of such
    mildness and kindness it is trying to
change my life. He does not
    preach, teach, but simply is. It is
astonishing for he is Christ's ambassador
    truly, by rule and act. But, more,

he is kind with the sort of kindness that shines
    out, but is resolute, not fooled. He has
eaten the dark hours and could also, I think,
    soldier for God, riding out
under the storm clouds, against the world's pride and unkindness
    with both unassailable sweetness, and consoling word.

filtered lives.

the moment i lie down to sleep at night, the thoughts start running. it rarely fails. the business of the day stops and i finally halt activity and my brain kicks in and says, ''now is the time to think of everything!" it's kind of an unfortunate situation. but sometimes, it's enlightening. 

anyways. that's what is happening tonight. i was lying here, ready to sleep, and boom. thoughts. flowing. everywhere. and they wouldn't stop. so, the endless flow of thoughts led me to the blog. maybe if i type it will get it all out?

life's kind of funny. i feel like the (insert word i'm trying to think of here) of facebook, twitter, blogs, pinterest, etc. is turning our lives into a big show and tell. let me post all of the great things that are happening to me! ooh, something awesome happened...facebook status! it's really easy to look at other people's lives, at least according to the internet, and be unsatisfied with your own. i blog, but i don't take stunning pictures, cook delicious recipes, i am not big on going all natural and organic. i am on pinterest, but i can't do or have 88.9% of what shows up on those boards. i live, but my life seems like nothing compared to how those lives appear on those sites. how silly. but really, when it comes down to it, that's not how their lives really are. and my pages? that's not how my life really is either. on the internet it is so easy to pick and choose what is going to be shown. we sculpt our lives into whatever shape we want others to see. 

i feel like the moment that we realize life isn't perfect (nor will it ever be), then we are able to start enjoying it. when i'm not caught up in the mirage of someone else's perfect life, i let myself live mine...and be happy about it. those lives that you see? they're filtered. they're altered and carefully plucked so that all that is left is the shiny, perfect, spotless picture. there's more to it then what is there, so don't let that mirage make you unhappy about the life you live due to imperfections and challenges. and all those awesome ideas, tips, tricks, etc. that i see? inspiration is nice...sometimes. but not when i let myself slip slowly into the realization that i'm never going to do all of that.oh well. what does it all measure up to anyways? 

it seems like we walk on eggshells sometimes. we carefully tiptoe around certain areas and adjust our portfolios depending on who we want to please and why. we pull out the "i'm really brave and accomplished!" card with some people, and the "man, i'm really struggling and want you to feel sorry for me" card with the others. we're afraid of what to say and what not to say, what to wear and what not to wear, and what to post and what not to post. why? because we wonder what it will make our lives look like. we wonder what picture of us it is painting. then, when everyone is gone, and our computers are off...we're left with who we really are. are you happy with what's there? even if no one can see? 

i don't even know where i'm going with this. i haven't reached a conclusion yet. but honestly, sometimes i just want to stop walking on eggshells and do life. life that makes me happy when no one is around and i'm not posting about it. i'm just living. i'm realizing that life isn't perfect and that what i have is pretty dang great. i'm blessed, i'm thankful, i'm sometimes strange and quirky. i don't live a cookie cutter life. i don't have everything figured out. life is beautiful anyways. and i enjoy it. 

Thoughts on my mind.

I'm not a very good blogger. As you can tell by lack of posts. Today I've had the apartment to myself, so I've just been getting a lot done and thinking. I like the quiet. It's easy to focus in and do what needs to be done in a relaxing way. This morning I listened to a church service online, made lunch, and did laundry. As morning crept into afternoon I trudged through the slush to de-iceify my car and get groceries. I kept my budget which made me happy, was forced to listen to a very awkward conversation in the check out line, and then headed home to do some homework and watch a little How I Met Your Mother. But through all of this...I just keep thinking.

In the sermon this morning, the pastor talked about how we treat church. It shouldn't be for entertainment. It's not a place we go to listen to a speaker and some music and applaud away. (Yes, there should be worship through the music and speaking...but that's a little different). It's not a place to go to "feel good." Church was designed by God as a place to equip believers to live out their faith in this world...together. We should not sit there complacent, but instead expect to go to church to be challenged. Think about it a bit. Challenge yourself.

I'm thankful for Sundays..and wise people who share the truth.