Routine

I just got home from dropping a friend off at the airport an hour ago. Keagan and I quickly tried out Zulu's new leash that came in the mail and then I sat down with a cup of Chai to catch up on my routine. It's embarrassing when I think about just how much I rely on routine in my life. The past couple weeks have been busy. I had schedule bubbling to the brim two weeks ago and then enjoyed the past week catching up with a faithful hometown friend and showing her my new home state. During those weeks, I was able to toss my routine out the window a bit and focus on the things that life was passing out so generously. How strange it is, though, that the minute things calm down, I'm willingly going back to the routine like I can't live without it.

It's a struggle for me, it really is. I get so deeply acquainted with my habits - the ones that I think keep me stable - but really they just tie me down to a boring safety. Yes, routine can be good, but it can also be suffocating for a mind that is trying to stay open and creative. Am I really living when I sit down at the same time each day to do the same tasks I do every week? I don't think so. Is it important to get work done? Yes. But is it necessary to hold to the routine of getting work done so tightly that I can't allow a little spontaneity to seep in and keep me fresh? Life is more exciting and I'm more available to others when life's not scripted and I'm trying to remember that.

So tonight, I'm going to sit with my Chai and blog a short post instead of catching up on emails. Then, I'm not going to do anything that I planned. Selfish? I don't know. But tonight, I don't want to be friends with routine.

Not Working.

Let me tell you about a previous time in my life, specifically high school. Whether it was a true inner-drive, or pressure to "be something," I took on every possible activity and job that I could. I dove head first into almost every extra-curricular that our tiny school offered. I worked as many hours as I could at our local swimming pool. I worked hard on my schoolwork. I did whatever I possibly could do to be busy, and stay busy. Moving on to college- I tried my best to graduate as quickly as possible. I got a job and worked as often as possible. I did my best to get promoted. I succeeded. Then, I graduated. In the time between graduating college and getting married, I worked two jobs. After getting married and moving, I tried to get a job as soon as possible, and when I did, it felt good.

~~~

Looking back, being busy is what had defined me. I know that I thirsted for the satisfaction that it felt to work hard and have someone notice. I was motivated by chasing an intimidating schedule- one that looked "impressive." Being busy had always left me feeling fulfilled (either that or it left no time for me to feel unfulfilled). Regardless, I think I was pretty darn happy filling my life with what felt like meaningful activities.

Then, we moved to Virginia. I applied to about 30 jobs and didn't even hear my phone ring for an interview once. I got a few emails back, sure, but only to tell me that I was either under-qualified (because I didn't have enough experience) or overqualified (because of my Bachelor's degree). I was told I wasn't wanted if I wasn't going to be around very long. I was told my resume looked weak because of all of the moving around. I quickly learned that finding a job as a military-spouse is not easy (but that's a whole other topic for another time).

Pretty soon two months had passed. I was still sitting at home filling out endless job applications and feeling so very unimpressive. You see, in the past, I took a lot of pride in working. I got a job as soon as I was old enough to. I worked seven jobs after that and loved every one of them. Working made me feel...like what I did mattered somehow.

I had people tell me how lucky I was - I got to move across the country with my husband and was able to stay at home and not work, which should have been awesome, right?? It certainly didn't feel that way to me. Sure, I kept busy with other tasks - like keeping a spotless apartment (you should have seen our ceiling fan blades), keeping the husband fed (no easy task), grocery shopping, and running errands. But to me, I just felt guilty. I felt guilty for having free time. I felt guilty for not having a super busy schedule. I felt guilty for not working. I felt guilty for not doing, becoming, or being. My schedule (or lack of it) was suddenly daunting and intimidating. I had a blank page before me and I hated it. I became very self-conscious and dreaded the question, "What do you do?" I found it was very easy to feel unaccomplished when, by my own former definitions, I was not doing anything significant.

In a time that I should have been fully enjoying, I spent more time feeling sorry for myself than I ever should have. As the months went by, I came to a very, very low point. It was at that point that I decided I wanted to turn things around and I'm still working on doing that.

~~~

I tried to write this post so many times and gave up in the process. I typed so many paragraphs and deleted them. I worried about sounding whiny, or like I didn't try hard enough. But I wanted to write it anyways, because I'm hoping there's someone else out there that has felt or feels the same way. I realize that every is different- so maybe you are someone who should be career-focused. That's okay, but that's not me.

Oh man, it hasn't been easy. I have years of skewed thinking that I have to erase and rewrite. The way that I allowed myself to be wired, has to be untangled and rewired. It's a work in progress, but I'm getting there. Here's what I've been trying to focus on.

1. Devoting myself fully to what I can do and what this season offers. Instead of letting myself feel guilty and unfulfilled, I've been working to let myself live fully in this season. I've pulled out my long-time favorite verse, Ecclesiastes 3:1 - There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens and tried to focus on it. Maybe, this season in my life is not to work in the way that I have in the past, but instead to work towards providing a comfortable, and welcoming home for our little family. Maybe it's time to work towards developing new skills and hobbies that I never made time for before. Maybe it's time to relearn what it means to be fulfilled. Maybe it's time to learn to be disciplined in other ways.

2. Eliminating guilt and accepting joy. I'm trying to remind myself that cooking, and cleaning, and running errands is rewarding work. Sure, I have more free time in my life than I've had in as long as I can remember, but that is not a bad thing. It is a blessing - one to fully embrace. Feeling guilty for getting to do enjoyable activities is not a healthy mindset to have. Instead, I'm learning to let myself slow-down, discover, enjoy, and embrace. I'm learning to have a healthy balance in my life, and it's wonderful.

3. Re-evaluating my priorities and interests. In past years, I was very career focused. I went to college with one career in mind and thought that's where my future would reside. Well, I ended up getting an undergrad degree that I can't do anything with unless I go to grad school, and in the meantime, I decided that career was not where I saw myself. Through this journey of unemployment, I've realized that a career does not define me, and I don't want it to. I do not want a career that consumes me as much as that one would have. I want to be more focused on how I live my life and serve my family. If that means taking a job I normally wouldn't, or not having a job at all, that's okay. Seasons will change, and I want to be flexible and available to embrace them.

4. Adjusting. I've discovered that I can't just waste time because I don't have a job, but instead I should use that time wisely. At first, it was easy to let the days go by quickly, without accomplishing anything. I was so used to being so busy that I didn't know how to fill up the blank space on my schedule. I had to learn that planning was my best friend, and even if it seemed silly to write "clean the burners" on my schedule, I got things done and felt good about them. Now, I'm trying to use my extra free time to take classes for a career that fits my desires better. I recently began volunteering for an organization I really appreciate. I've taken on projects at home that normally would be on the "If I Had Time List". I know I will have to adjust as the seasons change, and I'm okay with that.

Yes, I want to go back to work someday. Maybe even in the not so distant future. I know it'll be a challenge to get back to work, but for now, I'm working hard in other ways that are fulfilling and rewarding. I am not wasting my time, and I am not allowing myself to feel guilty.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 - There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.
Titus 2:4-5 - ..urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind...
Colossians 3:23 - Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for man.

Flori-bama

Sometimes I forget that we live in Florida, because it doesn't always look or feel like it. Pensacola is a far cry from Orlando or Miami, and we're reminded constantly that even though we're in Florida, we're basically Alabama. But lately, the weather here has reminded me that we are, indeed, in Florida. It has been absolutely dreamy, like - leave the patio door open all day, dreamy. I'm loving how our electric bill is going to look already. I'm going for longer and more leisurely walks and embracing the fact I can wear jeans or shorts, whatever I feel like. I'm so satisfied with the fact that we've had thunderstorms lately- they feel like home.

Since I've written, life has been good. It's been comfortable. It's been peaceful. I've felt spoiled. But, it's also been hard. For some reason, my energy and motivation have just been pulled from my body and every day I have to focus harder on my attitude. So, I'm sorry that I haven't written much, but I'm trying to get my balance back. I've been flipping through my 50 Promises memory verse cards (designed by my inspiring friend, Summer). They have reminded me over and over again where true joy and security is found and helped redirect me to a better attitude.

After three cancelled flights, Keagan finally (literally two minutes ago) finished his first flight at IFS! Oh, man. He isn't even home yet, but I'm excited to hopefully see him excited. We have been waiting awhile for this. He has passed through the drudgery of the "book" portion of IFS and now has 15 hours of flight to complete. Then, hopefully they'll be able to have him start Stage 2 of 3 here in Pensacola: API. Oh, and he made us the most delicious meal on Valentine's Day. I would take that over chocolates and flowers any day.

Volunteering has been going so well. I really appreciate the people that I work with and found an unexpected friend. It's so nice to work with people who have gone through the military life and can offer advice and encouragement. I'm really appreciating this opportunity and hope that it will help me gain good experience for the daunting job search.

The last couple days of February and dwindling down and I can't believe it. We've been here almost three months and the time is going so much faster than it did for us in Virginia.

To all of my friends and family back home - stay warm...or come visit. :)

Writing in Order to Function.

There are times where I simply can't function properly until I sit down and write. And a lot of the times, it's not even anything important, or the tiniest bit interesting. So, most of the time I don't publish the nonsense that passes from my brain, to the tips of my fingertips, typing away at my little black laptop. But somehow, it feels good to write. Just to get thoughts from point A to point B. Just recording a little bit of normalcy onto a blank slate.

I don't know why; I just do it, because once I do it, then I can move on to sorting the papers piling up in the office, mailing our tax forms, working on my classes, and vacuuming the rugs. Note: I cannot spell vacuum right...like ever.

~~~

I'm almost always cold. Even when our apartment is 72°, without the heat on, or the air conditioning on. I'm still cold. So, on go the cheetah print slippers and the blue fuzzy robe.

~~~

I went to get groceries today. I tend to put off this task, until I can't anymore. Then, the day that I have to go is of course the drizzliest, grayest, coldest, grossest, day. It really never fails. It may seem strange (and a little bit invasive), but I love looking at what other people put in their shopping carts. Something about seeing the food items they select, gives me a little inspiration. I try to guess what they're making that week. I try to guess if they have kids at home or not. I get ideas for what I should make next week. I see an item I sort of forgot existed, and then I get really excited about Zucchini again.

~~

Ah, now that I've jotted a few thoughts down, I feel like I can vacuum. (I spelled it right the first time, this time). See, not important. Not the tiniest bit interesting. But it's done.

Just dropping in

A week and a half ago, Pensacola had an ice-storm. Well, it was basically just ice, but in a city that's not built for or prepared for ice...everything shut down. The schools had closed for two days before the temperatures even dropped into the 40's and there was only a chance of ice. It was strange looking out the windows and seeing cars covered in ice. No one had scrapers to clean their windshields, the city didn't have trucks to salt the roadways, all of the bridges were shut down (even when the temperature was back to 50° and the sun was shining), and no one went to work. No one. The power went out in parts of town. We went outside, scraped the car off like pros, and tried to run errands. However, we were stopped when we came to a tiny little bridge that the police were blocking off. So, we went home and enjoyed our "ice day." Florida is a funny place to live.

Because of the ice-storm, Keagan started IFS on Friday the 31st, instead of Wednesday. Rather, he got to help me take care of 3 kids and 2 dogs for 3.5 days. Yep, we got to play "Mom" and "Dad" for awhile, while our friends took an anniversary trip to Tampa. Let me tell you, the pace we're used to was thrown out the window, but it wasn't so bad. We had fun stepping back to the land of fairy tales, dress-up, "hot lava", and more.

This past week, started out with Keagan reporting every day (and taking a few tests), and me interviewing and attending orientation for a new volunteer opportunity. We're both excited to move on to our new schedules, but are still enjoying the amount of "free-time" we get to spend together. The studying isn't so bad for Keagan yet, so I'm enjoying that while it lasts.

Other than that, things are pretty casual here. I've been looking for nice walking trails, and trying to train my dog not to throw all her good habits out the door as soon as we cross paths with someone else. (tips???) Keagan is trying to be as patient as possible while waiting to hop in a plane and fly. We're both watching bits and pieces of the Olympics and I was able to identify one of the skier's Minnesota accents and felt like a total dork.

Life's good here in Florida. It really is. We can't believe that a year ago we were still living in Iowa, not knowing when Keagan's career would start. So much has happened since then, and now, we're enjoying every second and every stage.

Booking it

I have never been more excited about reading than I am lately. I've been able to allowed myself to sit down and read more than ever before, and a generous addition to my book collection over Christmas has sparked the excitement even more. Combine that with hearing about books on the radio, combing through a new library, and accepting my Mom's English-teachery suggestions (she's either going to love or hate that I made that description up), I had to create an Up Next list for books. I've never imagined myself doing a book review post, but I've read so many good ones lately that I hope to pass on the excitement! Here's a quick peek at what I've been reading lately. Please grab one of them and curl up on your couch with a blanket and some tea. I know you're cold- this will warm you up.

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Shepherd's Abiding - Jan Karon I picked this gem up at the library the morning before Keagan and I hit the road for a 20-hour drive to Iowa. Although I didn't get around to reading the book on the way up, I started it during our vacation and finished it shortly after we got home. I've read Jan Karon's Mitford series before, and love the characters she's so gently placed into her fictional small town. Somehow, I always passed over this book, but decided to give it a go in the spirit of Christmas. If you've ever read a Mitford book, this does not disappoint. Every book is like going back to visit your hometown and reconnecting with the stories of those around you in the most delightful way. Karon's fiction is always an easy, delightful read, but also helps to challenge and inspire a faith-filled life of ministering to others while also pursuing balance in our own lives.

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Light From Heaven - Jan Karon Light from Heaven was another Mitford book I had missed. I also picked this one up before our long trip, and read it in a hurry before it's due date at the library. I'm glad I had missed this one, because it was so exciting to enjoy further tales of Father Tim and Cynthia that I didn't know existed! What an indulging read. Karon shifts away from Mitford a bit, as Father Tim and Cynthia take on a new adventure at Meadowgate Farm and beyond. Many of the favorite Mitford characters are present, but Karon also introduces us to a whole new crew of people I desperately wish were real. Of course, she can't resist throwing in a surprise here and there, and the last page will have you in tears. If you haven't read #9 of the Mitford series, please do. If you haven't read any book of the Mitford series, get to your library ASAP.

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The House of the Scorpion - Nancy Farmer When I told my brother-in-law that I wanted a book with his stamp of approval for Christmas, he gifted me this. This book is not a normal Hannah book. It's a little more sci-fi than I usually enjoy, and when I opened it I went in with the expectation that I was going to put it away after a couple chapters. However, I was proven wrong. Farmer's story-telling was simple, yet intriguing and I read it in less than a week. The main character, Matt, journeys through different levels of self-awareness, societal acceptance, safety, friendship, trust, and moral dilemmas. This journey is intertwined with his growing awareness of the dysfunctional family he is surrounded by, and later, a society completely new to him. If you're looking for something a little different than your normal reading, check it out.  It's technically Young Adult Fiction, but I feel that it will appeal to any reader older than that. I may have ordered the sequel the night I finished reading it... Thanks Wyatt for the suggestion and helping me to enjoy something that I normally wouldn't give a chance!

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Love & War - Mary Matalin and James Carville This book is proof that my interests are expanding thanks to my very politically-minded husband. As we were listening to NPR one day (yes, we do that now), Mary Matalin was a guest on one of their shows. I immediately loved her. She was sarcastic, honest, and had the same kind of humor that I've always loved (the kind that runs rampant on the Hansen side of the family). She mentioned a book that she recently wrote with her husband, and I had to get it from the library right away. To be honest, the book was not as sarcastically funny as I expected, but I loved it just as well. Reading a memoir was a good change of style for me, although I didn't read it as fast as I generally read other books. Oh, man, was it good though. Mary's strong Republican background and beliefs are so strikingly paired with her husband James' strong Liberal beliefs. It's a good eye-opener to each side of the story and reading about their unlikely successful marriage was refreshing. This book is a great insight on the political life of Washington, D.C., and after living in the area, I found it even more compelling than I probably would have in the past. Even though it kept me up way too late, I couldn't put down the book until I finished the section on 9/11. Mary was working for VP Cheney in the White House at the time, and her recollection of that day and the days to follow made an event that my 10-year-old self didn't really understand so much more real. If you're looking for an honest, insightful, and entertaining read...go for this one. There's so much diversity- from politics, to marriage, to parenting, to later life in Louisiana. James and Mary tell a great story.

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Unbroken- Laura Hillenbrand So, I'm cheating a little bit because I read this one in June, but I still can't stop thinking about it and strongly suggest you get to it before it comes out as a movie this December. Do yourself a favor and read it. Now. I read it after seeing many good comments about it. After I read it, I told at least 8 people to read it and they all loved it. So don't wait. Get to it. I might just have to read it again.








Up Next:

The Book Thief - Markus Zusak
Tuesdays with Morrie - Mitch Albom
Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail - Cheryl Strayed
The Eliot Family Trilogy - Elizabeth Goudge
In the Company of Others - Jan Karon
The Lord of Opium - Nancy Farmer

I just realized I have 6 more books I want to add to this, but to avoid crazy book lady status, I'm not going to. Please give me grace and pretend you didn't read this sentence.

The Turquoise Dresser

So let's talk about that turquoise dresser sitting in the corner. It's really nothing special. It's old, very simple, and the drawers don't quite operate properly. But once upon a time, it called a farmhouse in Storden, MN home- the house that my mother grew up in. It eventually made it's way to our house in Jackson and later to Mountain Lake. Somehow, it ended up in my hands. At first, I tucked it away in my closet as extra storage. It sat in my closet, full of papers and stray ankle and knee braces, notebooks, and all sorts of other weird stuff. Then, the dresser made it to my first apartment in Mankato. It safely held my clothes for a year, and then made it's first move out of state, when Keagan and I moved into a farmhouse in Paullina, IA. It's first military relocation brought it to Stafford, VA, where it brightened up yet another room of white walls. Then, to Pensacola, FL it went. It sat for awhile, looking kind of awkward.

We had talked about the dresser for awhile- getting it fixed up and repainted, but the nostalgic part of me wouldn't quite let go. Honestly, I liked the odd turquoise color (despite it's many chips and scratches). It was unique. Looking at the dresser and remembering where it had been was a strange sort of comfort- it's really the only physical thing that's been everywhere I have been. I liked that it used to belong to my mother. I liked how in so many white-walled rooms, it added an interesting bit of color. Anyways, I'll move on from the boring backstory now. Point is. It's a dresser. It's kind of special to me, and we decided to paint it.

Early this week, thanks to another delay in Keagan's training and my classes, we decided to finally tackle a couple of projects we've been putting off. We made the guest bathroom an acceptable place and started to work on our bedroom. We picked out a comforter, curtains, and a couple of big mirrors that were on sale (yay!!). And then, we picked up some paint. You see, as much as the turquoise colored dresser was unique...it really needed help.

We made a game plan and got to work. First, we stripped the paint. It was messy, and took a couple of coats, but worked pretty well.

Then, after sanding out the imperfections as well as we could, we used a spray primer to get it ready for painting. (Later, we realized that priming the entire dresser was totally not necessary. The drawers were all that really needed it).

Then, we got to the fun part. I went to work painting the outside of the dresser, while Keagan sat to do the math for the drawers. It was all fun and games, until we realized that our chocolate-brown was really not anything close to chocolate brown and prompted us to come up with some less-than-nice names for the paint color...

But life goes on, and we picked up a new, darker paint color that looked way more like perfectly-rich-and-delicious-chocolate and less like pond-scum-booger-slime-greenish-brown.

Keagan, the brains of this project, taped up the drawers and we painted the blocks. We found out that peeling the painting tape off while the paint is still wet is the way to go. Our lines were way more perfect than we expected them to be. After letting layer two of the paint dry, we added the new handles.

And then it was done! It was so fun to work on this project together. We were both itching to work on something, anything. Having a lot of free time is great, for awhile, but we are definitely at the point where we needed something to help us feel accomplished. We're loving the new look. And even though it's not a unique turquoise, I love that it's still the same dresser, still has the same history, and is now evidence of a project we worked on together.