Arms lifted towards God

The Amalekites Defeated

⁸ The Amalekites came and attacked the Israelites at Rephidim. ⁹ Moses said to Joshua, “Choose some of our men and go out to fight the Amalekites. Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hands.”
¹⁰ So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. ¹¹ As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. ¹² When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. ¹³ So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword.
¹⁴ Then the Lord said to Moses, “Write this on a scroll as something to be remembered and make sure that Joshua hears it, because I will completely blot out the name of Amalek from under heaven.”
¹⁵ Moses built an altar and called it The Lord is my Banner. ¹⁶ He said, “Because hands were lifted up against the throne of the Lord, the Lord will be at war against the Amalekites from generation to generation.”

I read this today. Wow. Actually, it kind of makes me think of Lord of the Rings. :) But this is real. I just found the symbolism to be so...thought-provoking. Whenever Moses held up his hands, his side was winning. Whenever they lowered, the opposite side began to overtake him. As I read this, I was thinking of my own fight between good and evil. Both sides are so entirely present in this world. There is a constant battle going on. When my arms are lifted up, The Lord is winning, When I grow weary and let them lower, the other side slowly creeps up and starts to take over. Not only is that symbolism alive, but I loved the part where Aaron and Hur helped hold Moses arms up. This world is exhausting. This fight is exhausting. We're all fighting it- each and every one of us. We should not only keep our arms lifted, but also be willing to step in and hold someone else's arms up. That is what we're called to do.

Waters (My poem)

As I reach, I barely touch
    the surface of these cold,
        surrounding waters.

The waves continue to toss
    and turn. My body continues
        to weaken. The water threatens
            to pull me under.

But slowly, slowly, I realize
    that maybe these waters
        weren't meant to drown,
            but to cleanse.

And maybe, the process of sinking,
    has a purpose - to teach me how to
        pull myself up and let the water help me...

Float.
     

It's getting cozy around here

Lights hung
Purple swapped with red and white
Drapes closed
Little trinkets added here and there
Lamps on
Candles everywhere
Yarn tied around mason jars
Piano music playing
Slippers being worn
Blankets set out
Presents being bought
Mail nearly every day
Treats being baked
Songs being sung
Relaxing being done
Drawing closer to our Savior day by day

Normally, it's hard for me to get in the Christmas spirit. I'm one of the 'scrooges' that can't listen to Christmas music unless it's December 22nd, 23rd, 24th, or 25th.

This year, snow's not falling. This year, I'm not in my parents house. Which means, this year, I didn't really have any decorations. That is...until...my husband surprised me with a big box of old, unwanted decorations and a tree to put up.

Now, our house is cozy. Oh, so cozy.

The passage I needed to read.

¹³
 

This passage is so encouraging and so hopeful. I read this and sat. I sat, and I prayed, and I found so much peace. It will not be easy. It never will be. But here is a bit of hope in an otherwise very difficult book.

Job 11:13-19.

Yet if you devote your heart to him

and stretch out your hands to him,

if you put away the sin that is in your hand

and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, 

then, free of fault, you will lift up your face;

you will stand firm and without fear.

You will surely forget your trouble,

recalling it only as waters gone by.

Life will be brighter than noonday,

and darkness will become like morning.

You will be secure, because there is hope; 

you will look about you and take your rest in safety.

You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid,

and many will court your favor.

^13 
17 

that day.

**written quickly. quickly, and spontaneously. pardon the grammatical and stylistic mistakes. this was a writing moment and the words got out. maybe someday i'll edit it...but right now this raw, natural release is how i want it to be. so here it is. that day.

i want to write. i want to somehow put into words exactly how that day felt. it was even more than that day, it was the days leading up to it. if you've never planned a wedding before, you probably cannot understand just how much  it consumes you. you're excited, you're anxious, you're overwhelmed; and if you're anything like me...you're kind of nervous as well. nervous because you let thoughts consume your mind. thoughts of how every little detail is going to work. thoughts of possibly having an emotional breakdown, which you definitely can't afford to have. thoughts of a life in front of you and a life you're leaving behind. you're excited...so excited that you're afraid you haven't let it all sink in yet.

you're working hard. deciding one week before the wedding that you're gonna print your own ceremony programs. you're not able to let go of an idea for them that you finally like, so you start in on it. you do the math and realize that yes, this is going to take twenty-two hours...just to print. you work like crazy to get it done. it keeps you busy. it keeps you going. you can't wait,  but you're anxious. you lie down at night and you can't sleep. you lie there...thinking. thinking of everything.

but then...it's the night before. you had rehearsal that day. you saw your groom, you walked through each little detail that would happen. everything is in line. everything is taken care of. all your plans will hopefully fall into place. you have yet to see everything fully decorated, which makes you a little nervous. but you're excited. you're packed for your honeymoon. you're packed and organized for tomorrow. every. single. thing. is scheduled out for you. but still...you're nervous. nervous that you won't be able to sleep, because when you're planning a wedding...sleep sometimes forgets your name.

but then...the night before. you lie down, and you sleep, and you sleep so well. you sleep so well, that when you wake up you don't even remember trying to fall asleep. whether it was pure exhaustion, whether it was readiness...you wake up and you are so ready. you get up...you do your make-up. you double-check your day-of bag and your suitcases. you smile at yourself in the mirror. you get your hair done. you text your groom, basically just normal things. but, you text him and you smile.you make sure to drink plenty of water, because not only do you know you'll need it, but it's a lot hotter today than you thought it would be. you get in your car with all of your bags. just you, just your car. everyone else will follow shortly, but you drive that half hour on wide-open country roads...alone. and you are so happy. your radio is on, but you don't even know what's playing. you're smiling, unable to keep it in. you're saying out loud, "dude...i get married today! i get married...to keagan!" you're driving down the road, wondering what the few, but still existent, passing cars are thinking about your huge smile and white veil. you're driving down the road, thinking about where it is leading, figuratively.

you get to the church. no one is there yet. you walk in, seeing the completed decorations for the first time. you sit in the pew, alone and quiet, and just smile. you hold back a little tear...it doesn't fall...but sends an indescribable feeling through your body. you imagine him, standing there as you walk towards him, confident and sure. you look around and find the beautiful flowers, waiting to be dispersed. you are so happy with all the pieces coming together. you go upstairs, open up the letter you wrote to him, and add a few more notes that you saved on your notepad as you fell asleep last night.

         "i want to be by your side, be your best friend. i want to see that held back smirk that you try to hide when you're proud. that's just the best." 

you jot a few more notes. you pray a few wonderful words. you sit. alone. so happy and so ready. so confident. the day goes by in a blur, but an incredibly memorable blur. moments come and moments go. you capture "snapshots" like keagan reminded you to. you and your bridesmaids dance in the big, open room upstairs. it releases your nerves. your wedding party gathers as you hear the sanctuary slowly being filled. your groom pulls you aside, alone, and prays with you. you spend a few moments, just the two of you. he looks at you and his eyes say, "we're ready and we can do this." and then...you get to walk up the aisle towards him. you were so scared of this moment. scared, because you hadn't cried for as long as you can remember. you even tried to cry on the way home from rehearsal last night...just to get it out of the way, but you couldn't. so you were scared you would lose it. you were scared of being in front of people. you were scared you would shake and struggle like you always do in front of groups. you were afraid you wouldn't be able to forget about all those people looking at you. but, your brother and your cousin opened those doors. your brother whispered encouraging words as your dad took your arm and brought you out in the aisle. you smiled. you walked way too fast. you smiled some more. you just couldn't stop smiling. and then...you were there. the ceremony went by quickly, and the whole time it felt  like it was just you and your groom. the two of you. no one else. you were perfectly content, perfectly happy, and ready. so ready.

i loved that day.

I will.

I will not let my insecurities be stronger than the love the Lord has for me and wants me to feel.
I will not let my insecurities be stronger than the truth he wants to speak into my heart.
I will not let my insecurities be stronger than the respect i have for my husband.
I will choose to be happy exactly where i'm at.
I will choose to pray for a heart prepared for a big change that is inching closer.
I will choose to be a bit better every day rather than worry about when i've missed the mark.
I will choose to appreciate myself.

happenings

around here we are: 

discovering | we have a mouse that doesn’t eat our bread, but eats our peaches. catching the mouse. 

disinfecting the kitchen like crazy.

catching | raccoons. yep, living on a farm.

baking | camp shetek granola. the best. the house smells amazing

starting | a new adventure of helping out with an elementary "faith finders" program at our church

also starting | a new job tomorrow. nervous/excited about a new schedule

journaling | a lot. fall always gives me more inspiration to write

missing | uploading pictures whenever i want. we have an internet data limit that's good for the budget but tough on picture loving.

pondering | getting a haircut. i'm in a total hair rut. 

trying | out many new recipes/experimenting with meal planning strategies. 

attempting | to figure out how to make my blog posts exciting, even without pictures. hmm...

Life is good.

We've got a washer and dryer.
My own sarcasm makes me laugh.
I'm gaining a sister-in-law!
I got to side part of a shed with my husband...and it was fun.
Our yard is delightfully beautiful.
We can camp out on our living room floor.
We have a million extra blankets.
We are borrowing Season 3 of Arrested Development.
Internet availability is limited. (Yes, that's a plus.)
I watched a debate and wasn't bored.
I'm officially an Iowa resident with a new last name.
We have a working furnace.
We enjoy delicious meals together.
He helps me cook and we have fun doing it.
I start an exciting new job on Tuesday.
My new job sounds kind of like The Office.
The Office is on every weekday.
Good things are happening to my friends and family.
He's really, really, handsome.
I get to see him every day.

blog spill

apparently not blogging in a long time has lead to having to blog all the time.
i'm not even publishing all i type.
i guess being busy lead to me not really letting my thoughts out.
and now i'm not so busy, so here they come.
or maybe my thoughts were ones that should be kept to myself, not even this blog.
i don't know.

motivation.
i'm not finding it today.
guess when you have nothing you have to do, nothing really gets done.

it'll be nice to start that job next week.

i could be a homemaker, i think.
but only when life gets busier.
for now i just don't have enough to make me feel accomplished, i guess.
except when the husband comes home and tells me he loves me.
and the house is clean.
and there's food to eat.
and everything's taken care of.
i guess that's alright. :)

i wish i had some sort of "work from home" venture i could do.
i wish i were more artsy.
or maybe really good at cooking.
i wish i wouldn't beat myself up and realize that i'm me for a reason.
and that's an awesome thing.
i almost deleted this, because i felt lame.
but then i left it because this is just a venue for me to get thoughts out.

i'm working on my self-appreciation.
but still looking for just what it is that makes me...me.
it's a process.
and there's nothing wrong with that.
i'm growing.
and i'm determined to keep growing.

hearts and minds are echo-y places sometimes.

i love music.
i hate paying for it.
i'm not much for spending money.
it makes me feel a little guilty sometimes.

sigh.

hannah's wednesday thoughts.
it's okay to be melancholy.
at least for a little while.

Outlet

This blog is my outlet.

Sometimes I wonder why I write here.
Why do I waste my time typing to an audience I don't have?
If I had an audience, would I even want them to read?
I don't know.

But an outlet.

That's what I think this blog is.
An outlet to the thoughts that run through my mind.
All day, I think them.
Some days more than others.

That's where the outlet comes in.

My thoughts are thought.
Then, they gather.
Slowly, they come together.
At the end of the day, here's where they go.

The outlet.

They flow out little by little.
Maybe they aren't beautiful or enlightening.
Maybe they're not even complete.
But this is where they end up, satisfied to have reached the end.

And now, I can let them be.

September

Maybe it's October now, but in my mind it's still September. My time schedule shifted this year, I feel like time jumped ahead of me.The calendar says October, but I don't know how it got there. My favorite month slipped on by; I was hardly able to catch it. I haven't even pulled out the apple cider or scarves yet and I just barely started the fall playlist and candle burning. Yet, September was so beautiful, so enjoyable, so new, so fresh, so...right. I'm not disappointed. It was filled with a new house to organize, a new marriage to learn about, crops being harvested all around, quietness being enjoyed, and life being lived.

October's maybe my second favorite month.

Today was: a cool morning breeze that kept away the boxelder bugs and asian beetles. It was just cool enough for long sleeves, but the warmth of the sun kept the cold from sinking in. It was a dark blue horizon, but a sunshine-y farmyard. It was faded red barns and orange leaves gathering in groups on the roofs. It was looking up to the sky and watching the breeze blow leaves towards my face. It was trying to catch them as I soaked in the magic of the fall. It was watching my husband shingle; he's a hard worker. It was smiling as he joked about how, "you need to stop day-dreaming about fall...it's right now!" I wish I had my camera. I wish even more that everyone was there to enjoy it.

Yes, fall might make me a little crazy. But I love it. The weather. The colors. The feeling.

There's a golden hour in the fall- it's right as the sun starts to set. The sun hits everything just right. The air is still warm enough, yet so comfortable. The bugs are hiding. I run outside to catch it as often as possible. It's just me. It's just what I need. It's just what I love.

Hi blog

I missed September.

It's cuz I was living pretty full time.

I'll post soon. And that's a promise.

08.16.2012

there are so many things that we let permeate our minds and our thoughts that are just completely and totally unneccessary. they are no help to us. they produce no benefit. they hinder us. they don't let us move forward or improve. so why do we let them?

we're literally one conscious decision away from shifting the focus from useless, hindering thoughts to an active pursuit of thinking clearly and becoming better.

so do it.

praying for a clear mind.

Phone Picture and Notebook Jottings

An evening on the beach. It's quiet.
The wind is blowing just enough to allow a zip-up hoodie.
The waves roll steadily- a sound and a smell that are oh, so familiar.
There's just enough cloud cover and just enough setting sun to create a deep green/red hue on the shoreline filled with trees.
The soft, muted blue and the light colored sand are the perfect combination.
The air I breathe is heavier- but not in an oppressive way.
It's almost...healing. Or maybe fulfilling. Or maybe a word of it's own.
It's as if right now, everything is perfect.
Peaceful, calm, and right.
This is the place where I just feel...content.
No matter what happens during the year, all is the same again.
It's a haven- a place where all fear, doubt, and responsibility are left behind for awhile.
Because here....I'm allowed to breathe.
No expectations.
Just breathe.

lyric night

warning: cheesy moment starting.

some nights for me are simply (as i call them) lyric nights. i can have my pandora on (and usually do) for hours a day, but most of the time it's just background noise. good background noise. 

music can be such a mood-changer. that's why it's a blessing and can also be a stumbling block. 

but anyways, i listen to a lot of music.

and some nights, it just seems that lyrics stand out more. 

Excerpt from the song, Be Still My Heart by The Postal Service

Oh how you laughed

At my complete lack of grace.

But I could not recall

A more perfect fall

Cause when I looked up into your eyes

It didn't hurt at all.

And I thought, be still my heart

This could be a brand new start, with you.

you guys, i'm a dork. but this describes one of the most amazing things ever. at least for me. for real. and i'm lucky blessed enough to have a complete lack of grace, that doesn't hurt at all.

cheesy moment. out.

bring me...

the kind of peace only the Lord can give.

a car ride home, without the radio, as the sun sets.

a card from a great friend with genuine encouragement and a perfect verse.

a good moisturizer, light and breathable, but one my skin drinks in.

a great idea for organization and the confidence that it will work.

a candle, a fan making a slight hum, and a comfortable, cozy corner.

there i will find a calm spirit that firmly believes, no matter the circumstances, i can and will be content.

i am getting so much done it's crazy.
nevermind the fact that there's still just as much left to do.
but honestly, i've been so motivated lately. 
for me it's been going to work, and spending almost all of my home time also doing work.
and i think i kind of like it. i'm not worn out yet
yeah, some things get frustrating and take way too much time,
and i can't sleep at night because my restless mind runs through all eight of my checklists.
shh...(i even have a checklist of checklists)... nerd.
but for the most part, it's getting done! and i like that.
god has been blessing me with enough health and energy to keep powering through and being positive.

mom and i are the busy bees of the family lately.

i'm working on wedding stuff and sorting through all of my belongings so i can move with only as much as necessary.


mom is sorting through everything in the house too, and giving me some precious gems....like these old hankies that were once in my great-aunt Millie's house.having something old like these is just so precious. it's a little piece of her life and memory as well as a look into those times.
plus...they're nice to look at and will hopefully find a place in our home some day. :)

seriously,
it's kind of fun.
and i'm getting way to excited about little things.



in other news...i have been reminded of just how much i love my mother's old book collection check this out:

my favorite titles:
Engine Whistles
The Oregon Trail
Elementary Algebra
The Swiss Family Robinson
Mental Efficiency

too funny.
i love my mother.

july 8th

there are certain things in life that just don't make sense.

like,
how i try and try to french braid my hair while looking in a mirror, but it only turns out when i braid it while i'm watching a movie in the dark.
and,
how i can be so tired all day, but as soon as i lie down to sleep, i'm wide awake.

sigh.

July

We're halfway through the year already. That kind of makes me sad.
But what doesn't make me sad is what happens in two months.

June 27th

Heads up to probably the only one who reads this (and is a guy). This will be a girlier post than my usuals. Therefore, bear with me a moment while I pretend I have an audience. :)



Life is strange.
I've been revisiting old memories, as well as looking forward to new moments
.



I've spent the last couple of days sorting through old boxes after work. Due to my upcoming marriage, and earlier upcoming room switch-up happening, I've been sorting through/throwing away old stuff. Wow. How things have changed. In between silly notes written back and forth and journal posts/notes jotted everywhere...I can't believe how "hard" Jr. high was. It's weird thinking back to those days when everything was such a big deal. It's humorous, in a way, to reminisce about old crushes that were the biggest deal in the world, fights with friends, and insecurities about the silliest things. Wow! Who was that girl?? And all the high school memorabilia? It meant so much to me back then. And yes, there are some really, really, good memories there. But in the grand scheme of things...I've really changed.Those things are no longer as important. And for the first time in years...I'm really okay with that and letting go.

Fast forward to now. I wonder what things that I worry about now will seem so silly in the future. Will I laugh about how much I worried about decorations for our wedding? Will I snicker at the honest-to-goodness insecurity I feel about learning how to do make-up for my wedding?? Will I look back and wonder why in the world I spent so much time thinking about whether or not I picked out the right dresses, location, music, anything? (Okay..I'm kind of already at that point). But really. If any of my  imaginary readers are out there actually reading...please tell me I'm not alone in worrying about such things--and then tell me to stop. :)

On another note...
I should add another disclaimer. I never promised this post would be organized. It's getting pretty random...
The Lord is teaching me so much. lately. The last couple of days he's spoken to me a couple of things.
1. Wake up with an intention to praise him. My alarm buzzed at 5:15...I really didn't want to crawl out of bed. But then, I thought, "You know, I'm blessed to have this job. So blessed." The more I thought that, the more my heart changed. Lord, I mean it. I'm so thankful. You have blessed me, and I will enjoy every second you've given me (and my ability) to work.
2. Cast your cares onto him- he carries them. For real. Last night I was up late, running through my never-ending checklist in my head. It was intense. I was stressing. I knew I needed to sleep, but I didn't want to because I had so much to think about. But then...bam. He put on my heart- "Give me your concerns. They will be taken care of. Rest. Trust me, and rest." A couple minutes of prayer later...I slept like a baby. Not a care in the world that I had to bear.
You guys...God is good. So good. Let him teach you...and change you.

Goodnight,
Hannah

Life lately

Relief - visiting the lady who i heard can help decorate our wedding venue...and finding out that she not only fits the style we want, but also does wedding cakes and flowers. what? so much checked off the checklist.

Joy - seeing my sister get married to her perfect match. she was so peaceful and happy. it was good day. a really good day.

Energy - alternating dancing with my best friends from high school and the man. so fun. yes, i did say dancing was fun. that is so unlike me. but it was. it was a blast, in fact.

Food - eating so many things at the town's celebration. it just isn't pow wow without a burger and onions, a pow wow pup, authentic egg rolls, a milkshake, and a snow cone. gotta eat it all.

Patience - waiting to start a job that i was hoping to start a month ago. hmm...

Cold - what i feel everyday for a few hours in the pool before rushing home and taking that essential long, hot, shower.

Missing - a retainer, a brand new tank top, and camp. yes, camp. it's what i did the past two summers...all summer long. i miss it. working in the kitchen all day, lifeguarding in the afternoon, and relaxing with the staff. it was go, go, go, but it was the best.

Embracing - a new type of summer. one with many things to be thankful for.

Relaxation - what i have to force myself to do. i seriously could work on things all day, guys. but i'd rather not get burnt out. so, hannah: stop doing stuff, sit, and enjoy some rest.

20 Things I Learned In College

1. A state-school was the right fit for me.
2. I study by writing information down over and over and over.
3. Make friends in your classes from the start...it's harder later on.
4. I do not learn well by reading.
5. Buy dorky rainboots. Wear them with pride.
6. Find a balance between sleeping enough and having fun. Get sleep whenever you can. Avoiding sleep for a few crazy adventures is good (and memorable), but one too many will get you in trouble.
7. Don't study where you sleep and relax. It works for awhile...but you'll get in a rut.
8. Write down verses you need to be reminded of and hang them up in places you'll see often.
9. Pilot G-2 pens. There's no other way.

10. Find where you excel- and rest there. Don't compare yourself to things or people you aren't meant to be.
11. Don't go home between classes. Bring your homework, pack a lunch, and be productive.
12. Escala (on Pandora) is the best study station. It's also a great station to motivate you to beat your roommate's high score in Robot Unicorn Attack. ;)
13. Prioritize- if you only need 70% on a test to get an "A" in the class, but need a 90% in another class...study hard for that one and just enough for the other.
14. You're not a (fill in the blank). You're you.
15. Reading (for fun) before bed = sanity and necessary relaxation.
16. Things mean more at night. Go to bed rather than staying up thinking about things.
17. Get a job. Have a reason to go to it and enjoy it.
18. Get outside. Walk. Run. Read. Just do it.
19. Don't get stuck in a set plan. Be open to new ideas, new direction, and know that your major is most likely not going to be your life. You are going to feel like you have no idea what you're doing...be okay with that.
20. Let yourself grow and choose to live with joy...no matter what.

Live with Intentional Joy

So...I've been keeping a journal for awhile now. It's not a normal journal. I don't jot everyday occurrences or anything like that. I jot thoughts. Mostly negative ones. It's how I get them out, sort them out, and somehow turn them into constructive thoughts. If you ever find my journal (like that'll happen..), please don't think I'm a super negative person. I'm not one because all the negativity gets left in that journal. Usually.

It's not just my dump journal though. I write down verses and lines of my devotionals that I don't want to forget. It's a way for me to remember them easier. If I think of them later, but can't quite remember..I pull out the journal.

I write life lessons I've learned, and notes on my spiritual journey (which is so far from over).

Going back and reading the journal is fun sometimes. It's revealing. It helps me grow. It reminds me of truths and challenges that have been overcome. Every now and then, I find just what I need. And today, it was this.

Live with intentional joy.


Whoa. I wrote that in March in the midst of a very busy, very stressful semester. I was in the middle of school, work, comparing myself to others, worrying about others, etc. etc. Each day was hard to wake up, get through and actually enjoy. I wondered at that point...where is my joy? Why don't I have it? Well one day I discovered: joy isn't something you're given. It's something you choose to have. The Lord has given us so many things to be thankful for, but it is our choice whether or not we will be joyful about them.

I'm not saying I have accomplished this attitude. Not even close. And maybe I'm way off with it. I don't know. Until today, I kinda let it escape my  mind. But that's why I love this journal. It reminds me of where I've been, where I'm going, and how to live. I'll never get it 100% right. But as many days as I remember, I hope to live with intentional joy.

Normal, everyday Hannah

So I've decided: if I ever have a real blog that people read, I'm still going to write about normal things. Things that happen everyday. Things that might be embarrassing or not up-to-par in blog-land. Things that are just...life.

Take today for instance.
I made oatmeal caramel bars.
I spilled brown sugar all over the counter while trying to measure it.
I put too much caramel in them.
I used flour and sugar and TONS of butter. Totally healthy. Right?
They were under cooked.
But after it was all said and done...(and they were refrigerated for quite awhile)...they were absolutely delicious.
Not ashamed.

I also started to take a card table out of the storage closet so I could use it to address envelopes for the wedding invitations.
One table leg fell down.
I tripped over it.
In the midst of trying not to fall over, the table fell hard against my foot.
Totally graceful. Totally bruised.
And afterwards...I addressed and stuffed like crazy with Dr. Quinn the Medicine Woman playing in the background.
Spectacular.

I also tried a completely new combination for supper tonight.
I spent awhile chopping and frying and adding.
Totally botched it.
Still ate it.

Those things are life. And in Hannah's life...they're pretty common. And you know what? I don't mind that they aren't something to brag about. They happen. They make me laugh at the lightness of life. And life is still good. Very good.

And now, enjoy this (non-artistic and non-professional) picture of two adorable calves I visited this weekend.

virginia

someday i will see you.
sometimes it makes me nervous,
but sometimes i'm so ready for the adventure.

right now...i'm hoping you come soon.

bits and pieces.

i have about six 'drafts' of posts just sitting on my post list. but that's kind of what life has been like lately. there are interesting things to say, or important things to say...but they kind of just stay there. i leave them there, jot them down, and hope to expand on them eventually. but, i never really get there. and i think that's okay? i mean, this blog isn't really for show and tell...it's kind of just me writing and whoever wants to take a gander can. but i'm not promoting it anywhere and i kind of keep it hidden. so seeing those unpublished posts still makes me think...even if they never get published. and it helps me sort out my thoughts when i jot them down- even if i haven't been able to expand on them yet. i guess that's what writing is for me. it's not show and tell. it's just letting my thoughts flow, even if they are incomplete. some may stay that way. some may eventually show up here. but for now, just doesn't really matter.

what have i been up to? well...i moved home ten days ago to a house packed with family. for the first time in forever, all four of us kids are living at home. i also was blessed to have a job working at the school in town for two weeks, so i've been keeping pretty busy. never mind the fact that i haven't unpacked yet (it's difficult moving everything from my apartment into a 10 x 12 room that i share with my little sister), but working with elementary kids is highly entertaining- and kind of intriguing. it's tiring waking up way earlier than i have in a very long time- but realizing this job was god-given and a blessing makes it much easier. i'm thankful. i spent the weekend meeting keagan's relatives from new mexico- and we had SO much fun. guns, graduation, works bombs, campfires, twins game, etc. it was one of the best weekends i've had in as long as i can remember. this week it was back to working at the pool and the school (confusing kids who don't know whether to call me hannah, or miss hildebrandt...). i'm almost unpacked and enjoying life.

life is a blessing- even when things are hard, busy, etc..and i'm realizing that more and more.

Numbers

1- blog post with numbers
1- silly girl who is doing this on a study break
16- my favorite number...and the number of months spent with an awesome man
4- my second favorite number...and the number of months until i become a hicks
2- finals left until i graduate
7- number of runs the twins scored in the game i was at today
6- days left until i graduate and move out of my apartment
13- days until i watch him graduate
3- shifts left at the job i was blessed to have throughout college
4- pills left to take (antibiotics...that make me goofy...and drowsy...)
8- what time i have to be in class tomorrow..haven't done that since freshman year

When my mind can't study...

I clean.
When I can't focus, but want to feel accomplished,
I clean.
When I'm frustrated,
I clean.
When I'm upset,
I clean.
When I simply don't know what to do,
I clean.

I don't know if it's seeing something go from meh to yay. I don't know if it just feels good to do something mindless. I don't know what. But it's nice.

Here's to a clean kitchen and shiny wooden floors.

what inspires.

what inspires me?
 lately...i think it's failure.
i have not won the battle, but i'm still fighting.
i'm not happy with my positioning, but i'm aiming to change that.
i'm picking myself up off the ground, dusting myself off, and trying harder.

ever feel like you're at rock bottom? then you start climbing and are proud of yourself, only to get knocked back to the ground as soon as the tiniest bit of progress is made? you know what you should do. you know how to do it too. but you just...can't. you start, and you fail again. why? because you're human.

we're fighting against something bigger than ourselves. and when we put our guard down, we're vulnerable. we're easy to attack. and putting those guards back up and fighting the battle we've been trained to fight? that's hard. but it's not impossible. in fact, there's no way to lose. so, that "failure?" yeah...stop thinking of it as that. get up, keep fighting.

it's a choice.

Choose one.

Sometimes I feel like it's choose one:

1. School.

2. Social Life.

3. Sleep.

4. Wedding Planning.

5. Anything else.

Sometimes I feel like just screaming: GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes, I let my frustrations out on the internet.

Sometimes...it works.

Go Outside

Go outside. Now. Just do it. Bring a blanket, a book, and a pair of sunglasses to block the sun. Yes, the sun. It's warm, but gets a little chilly when the sun's behind the clouds. There's no bugs- just a soft, glorious breeze. Read for awhile, lay and think for awhile, write for awhile, and then go inside, grab the running shoes and go for a run. Finish it off with a tall glass of water and then freshen up for work. Or, wherever you're going. Do it. I dare you.

March 13th

My boss said something to the new staff last night that didn't really mean anything to me, until this morning.

"Have a reason for everything you do. If you don't have one, discover one. Because if you don't have a reason for what you do...you won't apply yourself, enjoy yourself, or do what is necessary to succeed."

Have a reason for everything-- getting up in the morning, going to class, doing homework, checking piddly tasks off the to-do list, going to work, exercising, getting to sleep on time, eating right, etc. Have a reason for it. Otherwise, you just won't do it. Even if you do, you'll waste your time and energy along with someone's else's.

filtered lives.

the moment i lie down to sleep at night, the thoughts start running. it rarely fails. the business of the day stops and i finally halt activity and my brain kicks in and says, ''now is the time to think of everything!" it's kind of an unfortunate situation. but sometimes, it's enlightening. 

anyways. that's what is happening tonight. i was lying here, ready to sleep, and boom. thoughts. flowing. everywhere. and they wouldn't stop. so, the endless flow of thoughts led me to the blog. maybe if i type it will get it all out?

life's kind of funny. i feel like the (insert word i'm trying to think of here) of facebook, twitter, blogs, pinterest, etc. is turning our lives into a big show and tell. let me post all of the great things that are happening to me! ooh, something awesome happened...facebook status! it's really easy to look at other people's lives, at least according to the internet, and be unsatisfied with your own. i blog, but i don't take stunning pictures, cook delicious recipes, i am not big on going all natural and organic. i am on pinterest, but i can't do or have 88.9% of what shows up on those boards. i live, but my life seems like nothing compared to how those lives appear on those sites. how silly. but really, when it comes down to it, that's not how their lives really are. and my pages? that's not how my life really is either. on the internet it is so easy to pick and choose what is going to be shown. we sculpt our lives into whatever shape we want others to see. 

i feel like the moment that we realize life isn't perfect (nor will it ever be), then we are able to start enjoying it. when i'm not caught up in the mirage of someone else's perfect life, i let myself live mine...and be happy about it. those lives that you see? they're filtered. they're altered and carefully plucked so that all that is left is the shiny, perfect, spotless picture. there's more to it then what is there, so don't let that mirage make you unhappy about the life you live due to imperfections and challenges. and all those awesome ideas, tips, tricks, etc. that i see? inspiration is nice...sometimes. but not when i let myself slip slowly into the realization that i'm never going to do all of that.oh well. what does it all measure up to anyways? 

it seems like we walk on eggshells sometimes. we carefully tiptoe around certain areas and adjust our portfolios depending on who we want to please and why. we pull out the "i'm really brave and accomplished!" card with some people, and the "man, i'm really struggling and want you to feel sorry for me" card with the others. we're afraid of what to say and what not to say, what to wear and what not to wear, and what to post and what not to post. why? because we wonder what it will make our lives look like. we wonder what picture of us it is painting. then, when everyone is gone, and our computers are off...we're left with who we really are. are you happy with what's there? even if no one can see? 

i don't even know where i'm going with this. i haven't reached a conclusion yet. but honestly, sometimes i just want to stop walking on eggshells and do life. life that makes me happy when no one is around and i'm not posting about it. i'm just living. i'm realizing that life isn't perfect and that what i have is pretty dang great. i'm blessed, i'm thankful, i'm sometimes strange and quirky. i don't live a cookie cutter life. i don't have everything figured out. life is beautiful anyways. and i enjoy it. 

Bits of Thoughts

The In-Between
Life is funny sometimes. I've hit a stage of what I call "The In-Between." I have to finish this stage, yet my heart is preparing and longing for the next stage. It's hard to focus on this time and make the most of it when I know that the stage that looms in the distance is the stage I've been waiting for for so long. My heart is in one place, but my body is in the other. It's really hard at times. It's stretching, challenging, and sometimes downright painful.

The next stage is a little nerve-wracking, to be honest. There's a lot of unknown, which (depending on when you ask me) is a little scary and a lot of awesome at the same time. So much of me just wants to get to that next stage, just to start living it, but I can't just waste the months of "in-between" away. I'm excited, i'm stressed, i'm ready, and i'm not. But overall, I just have to trust, pray, and be patient. I need to be content with this time and make the most of it. I've been given these days as a gift, so to waste them away and not be content would be a shame.

That's what's challenging my heart lately. And that's what is taking up a lot of my time.

Also...perspective. 
I've been learning a lot about perspective lately. The thoughts spilled out above, plus other situations really have me discovering just how much of my happiness is based on perspective rather than situations. The Lord will always provide and lead when we trust him. That's with everything. Our lives. Our decisions. And even our attitudes.

Finally...a couple quips.
-Semper Gumby-->Always flexible
-Be ready to hurry up and go, be ready to hurry up and wait.

Holy cows.

So...this is ten days late. But guess what? I'm getting married. To Keagan. =)

Thoughts on my mind.

I'm not a very good blogger. As you can tell by lack of posts. Today I've had the apartment to myself, so I've just been getting a lot done and thinking. I like the quiet. It's easy to focus in and do what needs to be done in a relaxing way. This morning I listened to a church service online, made lunch, and did laundry. As morning crept into afternoon I trudged through the slush to de-iceify my car and get groceries. I kept my budget which made me happy, was forced to listen to a very awkward conversation in the check out line, and then headed home to do some homework and watch a little How I Met Your Mother. But through all of this...I just keep thinking.

In the sermon this morning, the pastor talked about how we treat church. It shouldn't be for entertainment. It's not a place we go to listen to a speaker and some music and applaud away. (Yes, there should be worship through the music and speaking...but that's a little different). It's not a place to go to "feel good." Church was designed by God as a place to equip believers to live out their faith in this world...together. We should not sit there complacent, but instead expect to go to church to be challenged. Think about it a bit. Challenge yourself.

I'm thankful for Sundays..and wise people who share the truth.

moments

write them down. look back at them. they shouldn't be forgotten =)

2012

What I know about 2012: challenges, unknown adventures to unknown places, there will be ups and downs as always, it may or may not be the last year of earth...only the Lord knows that, lots of unknowns, hmm...guess i don't really know much at all when it comes down to it. =)

However, I am thankful for the unknown. Thankful for a world full of opportunities and knowing that no matter where I may end up there will be someone by my side. 

This year, my goals are to: 

#1. Live in such a way that those who know you, but don't know God, will come to know God, because they know you. (author unknown)

-How? By living right. By taking care of myself, so that I have the energy and ability to do things that I want to do, to make time for doing the things I want to do by eliminating unneccesary and unfulfilling things, by praying for strength and wisdom and the ability to live a life worth living, and most importantly...by abiding in Him. I desire to spend more time in the word and prayer so that through experiences with him, I can not only grow closer to him, but I can also live a life that draws others to him. 

#2. Be flexible. Don't go into anything expecting things to go a certain way. Be ready to take on anything. Know your God will give you the strength and abilities you need to not only survive, but to thrive. See changes in plans as adventures. Take each day and make it worth it.

Here's to 2012. To the unknowns, to the knowns, and mostly...to living.

Words

Stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking...and just live.