Numbers

1- blog post with numbers
1- silly girl who is doing this on a study break
16- my favorite number...and the number of months spent with an awesome man
4- my second favorite number...and the number of months until i become a hicks
2- finals left until i graduate
7- number of runs the twins scored in the game i was at today
6- days left until i graduate and move out of my apartment
13- days until i watch him graduate
3- shifts left at the job i was blessed to have throughout college
4- pills left to take (antibiotics...that make me goofy...and drowsy...)
8- what time i have to be in class tomorrow..haven't done that since freshman year

When my mind can't study...

I clean.
When I can't focus, but want to feel accomplished,
I clean.
When I'm frustrated,
I clean.
When I'm upset,
I clean.
When I simply don't know what to do,
I clean.

I don't know if it's seeing something go from meh to yay. I don't know if it just feels good to do something mindless. I don't know what. But it's nice.

Here's to a clean kitchen and shiny wooden floors.

what inspires.

what inspires me?
 lately...i think it's failure.
i have not won the battle, but i'm still fighting.
i'm not happy with my positioning, but i'm aiming to change that.
i'm picking myself up off the ground, dusting myself off, and trying harder.

ever feel like you're at rock bottom? then you start climbing and are proud of yourself, only to get knocked back to the ground as soon as the tiniest bit of progress is made? you know what you should do. you know how to do it too. but you just...can't. you start, and you fail again. why? because you're human.

we're fighting against something bigger than ourselves. and when we put our guard down, we're vulnerable. we're easy to attack. and putting those guards back up and fighting the battle we've been trained to fight? that's hard. but it's not impossible. in fact, there's no way to lose. so, that "failure?" yeah...stop thinking of it as that. get up, keep fighting.

it's a choice.

Choose one.

Sometimes I feel like it's choose one:

1. School.

2. Social Life.

3. Sleep.

4. Wedding Planning.

5. Anything else.

Sometimes I feel like just screaming: GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes, I let my frustrations out on the internet.

Sometimes...it works.

Go Outside

Go outside. Now. Just do it. Bring a blanket, a book, and a pair of sunglasses to block the sun. Yes, the sun. It's warm, but gets a little chilly when the sun's behind the clouds. There's no bugs- just a soft, glorious breeze. Read for awhile, lay and think for awhile, write for awhile, and then go inside, grab the running shoes and go for a run. Finish it off with a tall glass of water and then freshen up for work. Or, wherever you're going. Do it. I dare you.

March 13th

My boss said something to the new staff last night that didn't really mean anything to me, until this morning.

"Have a reason for everything you do. If you don't have one, discover one. Because if you don't have a reason for what you do...you won't apply yourself, enjoy yourself, or do what is necessary to succeed."

Have a reason for everything-- getting up in the morning, going to class, doing homework, checking piddly tasks off the to-do list, going to work, exercising, getting to sleep on time, eating right, etc. Have a reason for it. Otherwise, you just won't do it. Even if you do, you'll waste your time and energy along with someone's else's.

filtered lives.

the moment i lie down to sleep at night, the thoughts start running. it rarely fails. the business of the day stops and i finally halt activity and my brain kicks in and says, ''now is the time to think of everything!" it's kind of an unfortunate situation. but sometimes, it's enlightening. 

anyways. that's what is happening tonight. i was lying here, ready to sleep, and boom. thoughts. flowing. everywhere. and they wouldn't stop. so, the endless flow of thoughts led me to the blog. maybe if i type it will get it all out?

life's kind of funny. i feel like the (insert word i'm trying to think of here) of facebook, twitter, blogs, pinterest, etc. is turning our lives into a big show and tell. let me post all of the great things that are happening to me! ooh, something awesome happened...facebook status! it's really easy to look at other people's lives, at least according to the internet, and be unsatisfied with your own. i blog, but i don't take stunning pictures, cook delicious recipes, i am not big on going all natural and organic. i am on pinterest, but i can't do or have 88.9% of what shows up on those boards. i live, but my life seems like nothing compared to how those lives appear on those sites. how silly. but really, when it comes down to it, that's not how their lives really are. and my pages? that's not how my life really is either. on the internet it is so easy to pick and choose what is going to be shown. we sculpt our lives into whatever shape we want others to see. 

i feel like the moment that we realize life isn't perfect (nor will it ever be), then we are able to start enjoying it. when i'm not caught up in the mirage of someone else's perfect life, i let myself live mine...and be happy about it. those lives that you see? they're filtered. they're altered and carefully plucked so that all that is left is the shiny, perfect, spotless picture. there's more to it then what is there, so don't let that mirage make you unhappy about the life you live due to imperfections and challenges. and all those awesome ideas, tips, tricks, etc. that i see? inspiration is nice...sometimes. but not when i let myself slip slowly into the realization that i'm never going to do all of that.oh well. what does it all measure up to anyways? 

it seems like we walk on eggshells sometimes. we carefully tiptoe around certain areas and adjust our portfolios depending on who we want to please and why. we pull out the "i'm really brave and accomplished!" card with some people, and the "man, i'm really struggling and want you to feel sorry for me" card with the others. we're afraid of what to say and what not to say, what to wear and what not to wear, and what to post and what not to post. why? because we wonder what it will make our lives look like. we wonder what picture of us it is painting. then, when everyone is gone, and our computers are off...we're left with who we really are. are you happy with what's there? even if no one can see? 

i don't even know where i'm going with this. i haven't reached a conclusion yet. but honestly, sometimes i just want to stop walking on eggshells and do life. life that makes me happy when no one is around and i'm not posting about it. i'm just living. i'm realizing that life isn't perfect and that what i have is pretty dang great. i'm blessed, i'm thankful, i'm sometimes strange and quirky. i don't live a cookie cutter life. i don't have everything figured out. life is beautiful anyways. and i enjoy it.