**written quickly. quickly, and spontaneously. pardon the grammatical and stylistic mistakes. this was a writing moment and the words got out. maybe someday i'll edit it...but right now this raw, natural release is how i want it to be. so here it is. that day.
i want to write. i want to somehow put into words exactly how that day felt. it was even more than that day, it was the days leading up to it. if you've never planned a wedding before, you probably cannot understand just how much it consumes you. you're excited, you're anxious, you're overwhelmed; and if you're anything like me...you're kind of nervous as well. nervous because you let thoughts consume your mind. thoughts of how every little detail is going to work. thoughts of possibly having an emotional breakdown, which you definitely can't afford to have. thoughts of a life in front of you and a life you're leaving behind. you're excited...so excited that you're afraid you haven't let it all sink in yet.
you're working hard. deciding one week before the wedding that you're gonna print your own ceremony programs. you're not able to let go of an idea for them that you finally like, so you start in on it. you do the math and realize that yes, this is going to take twenty-two hours...just to print. you work like crazy to get it done. it keeps you busy. it keeps you going. you can't wait, but you're anxious. you lie down at night and you can't sleep. you lie there...thinking. thinking of everything.
but then...it's the night before. you had rehearsal that day. you saw your groom, you walked through each little detail that would happen. everything is in line. everything is taken care of. all your plans will hopefully fall into place. you have yet to see everything fully decorated, which makes you a little nervous. but you're excited. you're packed for your honeymoon. you're packed and organized for tomorrow. every. single. thing. is scheduled out for you. but still...you're nervous. nervous that you won't be able to sleep, because when you're planning a wedding...sleep sometimes forgets your name.
but then...the night before. you lie down, and you sleep, and you sleep so well. you sleep so well, that when you wake up you don't even remember trying to fall asleep. whether it was pure exhaustion, whether it was readiness...you wake up and you are so ready. you get up...you do your make-up. you double-check your day-of bag and your suitcases. you smile at yourself in the mirror. you get your hair done. you text your groom, basically just normal things. but, you text him and you smile.you make sure to drink plenty of water, because not only do you know you'll need it, but it's a lot hotter today than you thought it would be. you get in your car with all of your bags. just you, just your car. everyone else will follow shortly, but you drive that half hour on wide-open country roads...alone. and you are so happy. your radio is on, but you don't even know what's playing. you're smiling, unable to keep it in. you're saying out loud, "dude...i get married today! i get married...to keagan!" you're driving down the road, wondering what the few, but still existent, passing cars are thinking about your huge smile and white veil. you're driving down the road, thinking about where it is leading, figuratively.
you get to the church. no one is there yet. you walk in, seeing the completed decorations for the first time. you sit in the pew, alone and quiet, and just smile. you hold back a little tear...it doesn't fall...but sends an indescribable feeling through your body. you imagine him, standing there as you walk towards him, confident and sure. you look around and find the beautiful flowers, waiting to be dispersed. you are so happy with all the pieces coming together. you go upstairs, open up the letter you wrote to him, and add a few more notes that you saved on your notepad as you fell asleep last night.
"i want to be by your side, be your best friend. i want to see that held back smirk that you try to hide when you're proud. that's just the best."
you jot a few more notes. you pray a few wonderful words. you sit. alone. so happy and so ready. so confident. the day goes by in a blur, but an incredibly memorable blur. moments come and moments go. you capture "snapshots" like keagan reminded you to. you and your bridesmaids dance in the big, open room upstairs. it releases your nerves. your wedding party gathers as you hear the sanctuary slowly being filled. your groom pulls you aside, alone, and prays with you. you spend a few moments, just the two of you. he looks at you and his eyes say, "we're ready and we can do this." and then...you get to walk up the aisle towards him. you were so scared of this moment. scared, because you hadn't cried for as long as you can remember. you even tried to cry on the way home from rehearsal last night...just to get it out of the way, but you couldn't. so you were scared you would lose it. you were scared of being in front of people. you were scared you would shake and struggle like you always do in front of groups. you were afraid you wouldn't be able to forget about all those people looking at you. but, your brother and your cousin opened those doors. your brother whispered encouraging words as your dad took your arm and brought you out in the aisle. you smiled. you walked way too fast. you smiled some more. you just couldn't stop smiling. and then...you were there. the ceremony went by quickly, and the whole time it felt like it was just you and your groom. the two of you. no one else. you were perfectly content, perfectly happy, and ready. so ready.
i loved that day.
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