Light Cannot Be Defeated By Darkness

I don’t know why I always run from what I know to be true. Life is really so much simpler than we let it be. We know what makes us struggle. We know when too much is too much. We know that life is difficult, and we wallow in it, instead of succeeding. We do the simple, instead of the fulfilling. We complain that the fulfilling requires too much effort. We pretend that the obstacles have beaten us, instead of accepting the truth that we must push, just a little bit harder. We must become just a little bit stronger. We must pull ourselves up and try again.

We must not slip from our true identities.

Yes, it is true that our lives are fragile and fleeting. Pain, struggle, difficulty, confusion – it is all inevitable. Yet, there’s beauty in that, I think. It’s tragic, but we are strong. We learn to heal ourselves by the grace of God. We learn to help others see that grace, the grace that is so free and so powerful, yet often overlooked.

I cannot go on without accepting my shortcomings.

                

I cannot keep hiding my voice, my voice that comes out in writing, and in quietness.

So many lies are fed to me constantly. The thoughts come often. I know that thoughts are not always honest and that they can be defeating, deafening, distracting, and untrue. Yet, when the thoughts come often, I begin to believe them. I begin to believe that they have a reason for returning. I begin to believe that they will be successful in causing defeat, deafness, and distraction.

I need to fight. I am in the midst of a battle that may not ever be won in my life here on Earth. Yet, I will never let up until the truth, and the life, and the good, defeats the one who wants to defeat me so badly. In the end, the ones who admit weakness, will be the strong. The ones who ask to be held, will be held. The ones who have been defeated the most, will at last see the greatest light. The light cannot be covered by darkness. That, is a promise. That, is a truth. That, is what I will believe.

Focus

I have trouble focusing. Looking back, I know that I have been this way for a long, long, time, but for whatever reason I have just been able to identify and recognize it.

I have so many ideas. So. Many. But I'm the type of person who would rather be given three options than endless options. I like to analyze each option, and it's very difficult to do that when options are limitless. I don't know what that says about me, but I'm trying to figure it out.

When I have a day off, I get so excited about everything that I can accomplish - things for fun, things that I've been meaning to catch up on, things I'm supposed to do. I have a full day of possibility ahead of me, but I often struggle to accomplish much of anything at all.

When I have to get something done, it gets done. When I get to choose what to accomplish, I am slow to get started.

Once I get started, I am efficient, and successful. It's the starting - focusing enough to start - that holds me back.

Lists help, usually. I see tangible evidence of completing something when I cross it off a list. It's easier for me to break things down than to see the complete picture towering intimidatingly in front of me.

Most of the time I have enough motivation to pick a focus and get started. But lately, that motivation has been slipping more often than not.

So how...how do I get back to accomplishing, succeeding, completing? Or, is now simply a season to sit back and re-evaluate? Is now a season to relax and recover? To rediscover?

Recognition.

I stumbled upon some guidance that slapped me right in the face last night. It wasn't written with the intent of readers coming to the conclusion I came to. At least, I assume it wasn't. But I read it, and reread it, and read it again, coming to the same conclusion every time. Apparently, this is what I needed to hear. Looking for recognition can be sinful. It should not be the driving force behind our actions, decisions, and the way that we live our lives.

Wait.

I need to own up to this. Looking for recognition is often a sinful desire of mine. It should not be the driving force behind my actions, my decisions, or the way that I live my life. But so often, it is. 

I may start off with good intentions but continue with a motivating factor of recognition. 

Sometimes the longing for recognition is entangled with an honest desire to help others and make a difference in their lives. I need to analyze my focus, though. What is the strongest motivating factor? Where do I need to pause, and pray for my heart to change, and my desires to shift? Would I still be doing the same thing if I knew that no recognition would ever be given?

Sometimes, I can't answer those questions.

I'll keep trying.

3 Months in California - what?!

So, Keagan's out on a training exercise for a few weeks, and that means I got bored enough to write a blog post... It's okay to tell you, I'm not worried about security. He's not deployed, just gone training. I keep my doors locked, and there's sufficient home security, if you know what I mean ;)

We are coming up on three months of living out in California, and I am embracing the reality of having years left in our house, instead of months like we are used to. It's a good thing, too, because for some reason it took a lot longer to feel settled this time - not that I feel fully settled, now...just mostly.

I don't have lots to share, but I figured I'd give you a quick update.

Keagan is staying very, very, busy. Yes, I know I say that in every update post that I do, but it's always true. I (foolishly) thought his schedule would be a little more friendly now that he is not in school, but I was wrong. He usually leaves the house before 5:15 AM (some weeks before 3...), and gets home around 7 or 8 PM - just enough time to eat supper and go to bed. Weekends mean recovery - he rarely leaves the living room. :) He typically has a week-long field exercise every 4-5 weeks, and 24-hour duty 2x a month. His job is teaching him a lot, though, and he is excited to see improvement in his skills. He got assigned the role of FDO (Fire Direction Officer), and works in the FDC (Fire Direction Center). I was going to try and explain everything in more depth, but then decided I'd post a link for you to follow instead... Click on the link and focus on the FDC section. Fire Direction Center Explanation. I got to see Keagan's unit in action at a family day event - it was very interesting to see the process. I am so proud of how hard he works, and he never complains.

Photo of Keagan's battery at their current field exercise

Hannah is keeping fairly busy, too. I got a job online again (since out of over 50 job applications, I got 3 interviews, and no results...yikes). It is very similar to the job I had in Oklahoma, but a lot more boring. After two trips I have planned in May and June, I will probably end up quitting that job and pursuing other jobs more seriously. For now, though, it is nice to help keep me busy, but still have some flexibility. I have also started volunteering a couple days a week at the Navy-Marine Corps Relief Society again (same organization I volunteered for in Florida). Other than that, I cook, (usually) keep the house clean, and try to get outside everyday and walk with the dog, sometimes taking advantage of the 3/4 mile walk to the ocean!

Zulu is busy barking at the neighbors and getting scolded, playing with her friend Semper, enjoying the fenced in yard, and causing way too many strangers to stop and talk to me on our walks.

Also, after months of being a one-car family, we added this uniquely-colored Chevy Cruze to our garage. Yay for having two vehicles! No more waking up at 4:45 to bring Keagan into work. :)

As you've probably figured out, we don't have endless free time, but we have been able to enjoy a few evenings/afternoons spending time with friends. We have friends out here that we met in Virginia and Oklahoma before moving out here, so it's good to catch up and see them again. Keagan has a long weekend coming up after this field exercise, and then another soon after, so we may be able to venture down to San Diego and explore a bit more.

Living this close to the ocean is incredible. We've enjoyed a few evenings sitting at the top of a hill near our house, watching the sun set over the ocean. It's gorgeous, and definitely one of the perks of the place we are at right now. As great as the weather and scenery are, I definitely miss the powerful Midwest thunderstorms.

Walking in the evenings

I went for a walk this evening, because I felt like I had to. I had to drive 20 minutes to get to a place with dusty trails, minimal people, and rich, outdoorsy air. But, it was worth it, because that's exactly how I like it.

Oh, I had forgotten how much I like evening walks - you know, the kind where the air is cool, the sun has started to set just enough where it's still light out, and everything looks kind of hazy. I crave the kind of walks that allow the chance to walk slowly, breathe deeply, and linger if the soul asks for it.

 I think the dog likes the lack of other humans as much as I do - she can have the leash and run and smell questionable things as much as she wants to. 

The best walks are the ones where I feel relaxed, and mostly content, and can stop and snap photos of the places that catch my eye - the places with interesting contrast, and color. They help me remember.

When my husband is gone for awhile, I am not the best caretaker of myself. I let the dishes pile up in the kitchen, I sometimes don't clean up crumbs...because I can do it the next day. Then, I get frustrated with myself because I actually really do likes things clean and sometimes I let it go too far.

I also never sleep as well when he's gone for awhile. Mostly, because I avoid the physical act of actually going to bed. It's like I'm afraid to lie awake, or something. I'm afraid of the stillness, the quietness, the time that makes me so vulnerable to over-thinking. So, I waste time, instead. I avoid going to bed, and then I end up over-tired.

 It's silly...to recognize where I am weak, and where I want to improve, but to still let myself fall into the same traps. I try to keep getting better.

The best thing I can do for myself, even if it means that my work doesn't get done as soon as I originally planned, is to accept that I need to walk when I feel like walking. 

It's healing. It helps me do better work. It's healthy. It's freeing. It's moving forward, and accomplishing something, even if that something seems small. 

And then, later, when I write...I am able to better process my emotions - even if they aren't revealed in my actual words.

Social Media-less Adventures

When I decided to stay off Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter during Lent, it wasn't totally because of Lent, but because the timing worked out. For awhile now, I have been annoyed with social media. It took a lot of time to scroll through my newsfeed everyday, and it really didn't have many redeeming factors. Sure, I like to stay in touch with people, but I don't like weeding through stuff I don't care about in order to get to the good stuff.

Social media is great, but it can also become not-great quickly. While scrolling through, it is easy to get sucked into feelings of jealously, envy, insecurity, and inadequacy. When I wasn't careful, I found myself vulnerable to a lot of negativity.

Side note: it didn't surprise me at all to see this article a few days ago Too much Facebook leads to envy and depression

Also, I started to think about how much the time spent on social media added up. Sure, I didn't spend hours at a time on any particular site, but checking FB and Instagram a few times a day, suddenly became hours that could have been used on more productive things.

Finally, I wanted to see how much of what I did, or what I took pictures of, was done simply to post and get "likes." I want to be healthier mentally - being satisfied with what I am doing, instead of being satisfied with other peoples' response to it.

So far, I'd say it is a good break. For a week, I didn't miss Facebook or Twitter at all. Instagram, I missed a little. Now, I do miss Facebook sometimes (mostly in the afternoons when I am trying to avoid doing something mundane), or when I am sitting on the couch at night relaxing.

I am glad to be taking a break, though, and am excited to see what a few more weeks without social media brings. So far I have noticed that:

1. I focus more on what I am doing. It's easy to pull out my phone when sitting on the couch, or hanging out with my husband, or waiting in line somewhere. Without that quick and easy access, I find myself more fully engaged with my present activities.

2. I enjoy the things I do, the foods I cook, and the trips I take - without needing "likes" from people. It feels good to be able to be satisfied simply by those events and not by the feedback.

3. I have more time for more productive activities. Instead of scrolling through Facebook for 15 minutes after lunch, I read, play piano, sit outside enjoying the sun, write, OR jump into the next thing on my to-do list. While watching a few episodes of TV, I either enjoy it more fully, or work on a puzzle instead of scrolling through the newsfeed. More time for more fulfilling activities.

4. Less comparison. I am at a season in life where I am having to make some decisions about career and life plans. I know that I am vulnerable to comparison and it is easy for me to be negative when I see the success of others plastered all over the place. Without social media, I can focus more on my goals and where I am at and remember that we all have separate journeys. At the same time, I still struggle with this when I read blogs, talk to others, etc. I am still working on a healthier perspective.

5. I find it easier to get up in the morning and start my day more quickly. It's easy to stay in bed as I check Facebook and Instagram, but now that I can't do that, I get up and get going right away. I think it makes me feel more energized and positive.

Considering all of this, I will be going back to social media on April 6th. I think social media is a great tool to stay in contact with others. I will, however, be much more mindful of how often I use it, and I plan on limiting my newsfeed more - I hope to do less scrolling through pages of information, and instead use social media more intentionally.

Almost-March finds me saying...

Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. I am the worst at keeping my blog updated. Hopeful thoughts, and good ideas, apparently got blown away by the wind of...well...life I guess?


Since I last actually hit "publish" on a post I:

Almost finished a huge, long, post about the last move, because every move has a story to be told. It seems to outdated to finish it and publish it now, though.

Had relatives visit and they spoiled me like crazy. Good eats, La Jolla, Coronado Island, a cruise in San Diego Bay, my first pedicure (yep, for real), San Diego Zoo, and some relaxing down time.

Applied for too many jobs to count, had a couple of interviews, and then applied for more jobs. Job market, you're not my friend.

Dealt with dryer issues. Well I guess I can't honestly say dealt, because we're still dealing. We bought a brand new dryer the day we moved in, and still haven't gotten to use it. But hey, at least the house didn't burn down. Seriously.

On that note, the laundromat downtown and I are becoming well-acquainted. Hey, can't say I don't love getting five giant loads of laundry done at the same time.

Had more relatives come to visit...yay! We ate lots of delicious food, went to La Jolla, explored the area a bit, and had a fire/grill night. Mmm. I love food. I also love the fact that I have the best relatives. Seriously, don't even try to compete.

Decorated the entire house late one night, because Keagan was gone and I couldn't sleep because I am not good at leaving projects unfinished (blog posts are another story).

Said goodbye to social media for awhile. So far, I'm missing Instagram a little, but not as much as I thought. Facebook, I don't miss at all.

Yep, just thought I'd drop in. Goofy, tired moods make for really quick (and probably pointless) blog posts.

Here's What I Want to Remember About: Roadtripping from Oklahoma to California.

Due to a number of circumstances - we had a dilemma on our hands. We had one vehicle in Oklahoma (and two vehicles worth of stuff). We had until mid-January for Keagan to report to his new duty station. We only had a lease on our Oklahoma apartment until December 31st. Our house in California would not be ready until the 13th of January.

So...we decided to leave Oklahoma on the 31st, take our time driving, and make the move to California a vacation of sorts!

Over our Christmas break, I used my new favorite website, roadtrippers.com, to discover fun stops near our travel route. We wanted to take our time getting to California - no more long drives (too many of them lately), no rushing, just enjoying.

It was the best decision ever. For real. The first and last days of the trip were slightly longer drives, but every other day we drove less than 3 hours total, enjoying hotels, good food, and incredible sites along the way. We drove I40 most of the way (which is basically Route 66). I had never seen any of the Southwest, so even just driving was a treat. I soaked in the incredible sites, and fell in love with New Mexico. And Mesas. I was a little naive, thinking that it wouldn't be cold along the way...but it was. There was also snow! But...it was really beautiful. I was on Cloud 9 watching the change of terrain - from Oklahoma, through the tip of Texas, to New Mexico, to Arizona, to California. We definitely took a good route.

Here's where we stopped!

Day 1 -  Lawton, OK to Albuquerque, New Mexico. We went to bed ridiculously early, even though it was New Year's Eve. :)

Day 2 - El Malpais National Monument (New Mexico)

This may have been my favorite day. We drove through El Malpais, which was practically deserted because of the holiday and colder weather. We took our time, and saw some incredible sites.

I was maybe just a little bit in awe.

That night, we stayed at a hotel by a railroad and beautiful bluffs and mesas. I, of course, forgot to get a good picture of the view, but you'll have to believe me when I say how beautiful and refreshing it was. We also tried to go get some authentic New Mexican cuisine, but of course everywhere we wanted to go was closed because of New Year's Day.

Day 3 - Petrified National Forest

This was another incredible park that took a couple of hours to drive through.

Again, so incredible. I can't explain it. You just have to go enjoy it for yourself!

The Blue Mesas definitely took my breath away. That night, we stayed in Flagstaff, Arizona at the base of a gorgeous mountain.

We got Chinese take-out. It was by far the best I have ever had. Thanks Hunan West!

Day 4 - Grand Canyon

We headed up to the Grand Canyon for a few hours - cuz for real, it's the Grand Canyon people.

It was cold, and very windy, and there was a TON of snow! But, we still enjoyed it.

One thing I didn't expect was how incredible the canyons outside of the park were too! I wish I would have snapped some pictures as we were driving by - it was an experience I don't want to forget.

That night we went back to the same hotel in Flagstaff and then to Salsa Brava - HIGHLY recommend - especially if you like burritos bigger than your face, free salsas to sample, and overall deliciousness.

Day 5 - Chapel of the Holy Cross, Montezuma Castle, and the Estrella Star Tower

The sites this day were all smaller - so they took less time to visit. They were still worth it though!

The drive was gorgeous - the Sedona area is definitely a place I could go back to.

I. Love. the. Southwest.

The Star Tower was a really neat place to visit! We walked out (among cacti!!!) on a short path to the tower shortly before sunset, and enjoyed the views as the sun set.

We also ate at In-N-Out Burger, cuz you just gotta.

Day 6 - We finished the trip to Oceanside, CA, where we spent 9 too many days in extended stay while waiting for our house. (Spoiler alert: it was worth it)

Here's What I Want to Remember About: Christmas at Home

For the second year in a row, we have been very lucky with Keagan's training schedule. Both years, he finished a school and had a good break before having to report to his next duty station, which allowed us to go visit with family for Christmas. A bonus of having our families live 1 1/2 hours apart is that it is always very easy to see them both.

This year, I packed up almost everything in our apartment, and we left the second week in December for almost 3 weeks in the Midwest. It was so nice to spend a good amount of time with each family and catch up with some friends.

We started our vacation off in Iowa. Of course, just because we had time off, didn't mean the whole family had time off too. Some people work for a living! ;) So, we spent a lot of time relaxing during the days and enjoying evenings with the family. I got to work a few hours thanks to having an online job, but I made sure to work less than normal and enjoy time with Keagan and time on the farm.

The weather was warmer than normal for this time of year, and we definitely enjoyed that. Spending last winter in Florida ruined us for life - our blood is not as tough as it used to be! I walked Zulu and the Hicks' dog, Shep, down the dirt roads a few times. We enjoyed many great meals with the whole crew. We had coffee tea and cider with some relatives that mean a lot to us (and drink coffee). We enjoyed being out in the country, inside of a cozy home full of Christmas cheer. We also went to the final Hobbit movie with Keagan's sister and a few of Keagan's friends.

Oh! And thanks to the incredible Dave Hicks - we got back our Altima. You know, the one that got in an accident in Florida 6 months ago. I may have been still be unreasonably excited about that. We also left my precious first car (a Maroon Grand Prix) in Iowa...its fate has yet to be determined. It was a little sad letting it go as that car was very good to me, but I will survive.

Then, we headed to Minnesota. Our time in Minnesota was great, but very busy. Between watching my little sister play a couple of basketball games, dinner dates to catch up with friends, and family Christmas parties...we had something going on every day. We watched Unbroken in the theaters - good, but the book is still better. We enjoyed a pretty snowfall. We froze on the one day that it was in the single digits. Brr. And then, before we were really able to think about it, it was time to go back home. As always, time with the family goes way too fast.

We went back to Oklahoma, did some final packing and cleaning, and then hit the road for our move to California.

(we probably ate unreasonable amounts of sugar and pizza, too)
(okay fine, that one was just me - not we)

Exhaling

One thing I have learned about my heart, is that one of the best ways to care for it, is by letting it find its way onto paper. Whether that be in a private journal, or in a letter to a friend, or on here - it is a vital part of keeping myself healthy and balanced. Oh, I have done such a terrible job of that lately. Sure, I've jotted notes down here and there - things to remember - but I have neglected to put the proper effort into bringing my thoughts to completion.

I don't remember the last time I just sat in the quietness - reflecting.

I have had so much to write about, too. Christmas. Another move. A roadtrip. Adventures in extended stay. Getting settled into our house.

I have been consumed by to-do lists and ideas that stifle my motivation to get away from the crazy and just...exhale.

Here's What I Want to Remember About: Oklahoma

Just in case you are wondering, I am sitting here in our cute little hotel room in Flagstaff, Arizona (situated at the base of a gorgeous mountain with the perfect snow-covered tip). I am watching the internet crawl slower than the last time I tried to run a mile, as I try to upload the 22 pictures I took today to Facebook – because the place we went was breathtaking and I get double enjoyment out of sharing it with others, even if the pictures don’t do the real thing justice. I am drinking Cinnamon Apple Tea (courtesy of my lovely sister-in-law), and just finished reading a lovely blog post from my inspiring and honest friend, Lindsey over at http://weareolsons.blogspot.com/. And, all of these things combined told me it was time to finish a blog post that I started weeks ago.

So much has happened in the last month - Keagan graduated and we left Oklahoma for nearly three weeks in Iowa and Minnesota. Then, we went back to Oklahoma to tie up some loose ends. Currently, we are taking our time on I-40 in the process of moving to California. Whoa. This last month has been so, very, busy, but so, very, good. I have felt incredibly at peace and incredibly blessed (even though we both don't sleep at night thanks to endless coughing and Zulu growling - she hates hearing people through the thin hotel walls). 

These are the days I want to remember, so I need to write about them before letting the memories fade away too quickly...

~~~

Here's What I Want to Remember About: Oklahoma

I want to remember pulling in the first night we got to our apartment, and seeing the sun set over the mountains that I didn't know existed.
I want to remember the first time I walked the trail behind our apartment - it was the first thing that really made me feel like Oklahoma was going to be an okay place to live.
I want to remember all of the times that I walked the trail behind our apartment - the colorful sunsets, the wildflowers, the grass, the pond...and especially how happy and healthy it kept Zulu and I.
I want to remember some really great friends that truly made Oklahoma a better place and didn't allow me to be too anti-social.
I want to remember driving around the base for the first time and seeing the landscape.
I want to remember summer/fall days at the pool and the cooler days simply walking.
I want to remember the nice weather - even though it was too hot, too windy, and too gloomy a lot of the time. The beautiful days, though, they were amazing.
I want to remember the wide open, dreamy skies that seemed to go on forever.
I want to remember the night Keagan and I went swimming at 9 PM.
I want to remember Braums ice-cream - and then I want someone to bring me some more.
I want to remember Harry Potter marathons and suppers with Carly, Lindsey, and Jax when our husbands were out in the field.
I want to remember driving up Mount Scott, The Wildlife Refuge, Wayne's Drive-Inn, some delicious (and spicy) Pad Thai, and picnicking at Sonic.
I want to remember the time Keagan and I drove down the main streets late at night, with the windows down, blaring Hunter Hayes and laughing our heads off.
I want to remember that Oklahoma was where I finally felt the most comfortable in my role.
I want to remember visits from our families.
I want to remember the feelings of freedom and accomplishment of working from home and managing my own schedule.
I want to remember that fajita recipe that we became obsessed with.
I want to remember how "close" we were to home.
I want to remember that I trained for and ran a 5K - and that Keagan got a giant trophy.
I want to remember the uncomfortable furniture that came with the apartment - because it will make me appreciate our new furniture so much more.
I want to remember Sundays at Mike's with friends.
I want to remember the time I simply needed to get out of the house and went to see Medicine Bluff - it was simple, but awe-inspiring, and exactly what I needed.
I want to remember what it was like living 6 months without most of our possessions - because things really don't matter as much as we like to think they do.
I want to remember the anniversary weekend that we spent out by the mountains in a cute little cabin (even though it rained the whole time and we set off the fire alarm while frying bacon).
I want to remember the Birthday Ball - because it was just all out fantastic.
I want to remember the 70+ year old Marine who danced like crazy in the middle of the dance floor.
I want to remember the time that our neighbors got sick of our other neighbor's annoying music and blasted Justin Bieber.
I want to remember being totally weirded out by and scared of Wheel Bugs.
I want to remember to remember - but to spend more time in the present, rather than looking forward or looking back.

Well, here's to remembering - and hoping that the internet posts this - and hoping to write again in a few days (after enjoying the Grand Canyon, of course).