Focus

I have trouble focusing. Looking back, I know that I have been this way for a long, long, time, but for whatever reason I have just been able to identify and recognize it.

I have so many ideas. So. Many. But I'm the type of person who would rather be given three options than endless options. I like to analyze each option, and it's very difficult to do that when options are limitless. I don't know what that says about me, but I'm trying to figure it out.

When I have a day off, I get so excited about everything that I can accomplish - things for fun, things that I've been meaning to catch up on, things I'm supposed to do. I have a full day of possibility ahead of me, but I often struggle to accomplish much of anything at all.

When I have to get something done, it gets done. When I get to choose what to accomplish, I am slow to get started.

Once I get started, I am efficient, and successful. It's the starting - focusing enough to start - that holds me back.

Lists help, usually. I see tangible evidence of completing something when I cross it off a list. It's easier for me to break things down than to see the complete picture towering intimidatingly in front of me.

Most of the time I have enough motivation to pick a focus and get started. But lately, that motivation has been slipping more often than not.

So how...how do I get back to accomplishing, succeeding, completing? Or, is now simply a season to sit back and re-evaluate? Is now a season to relax and recover? To rediscover?

Recognition.

I stumbled upon some guidance that slapped me right in the face last night. It wasn't written with the intent of readers coming to the conclusion I came to. At least, I assume it wasn't. But I read it, and reread it, and read it again, coming to the same conclusion every time. Apparently, this is what I needed to hear. Looking for recognition can be sinful. It should not be the driving force behind our actions, decisions, and the way that we live our lives.

Wait.

I need to own up to this. Looking for recognition is often a sinful desire of mine. It should not be the driving force behind my actions, my decisions, or the way that I live my life. But so often, it is. 

I may start off with good intentions but continue with a motivating factor of recognition. 

Sometimes the longing for recognition is entangled with an honest desire to help others and make a difference in their lives. I need to analyze my focus, though. What is the strongest motivating factor? Where do I need to pause, and pray for my heart to change, and my desires to shift? Would I still be doing the same thing if I knew that no recognition would ever be given?

Sometimes, I can't answer those questions.

I'll keep trying.